The strength to
come out
A gay Penn State rower feeds off
others' stories to tell his teammates
(Editor's
note: We received this letter and were moved by its
sentiments, not because of its praise for Outsports, but
because it showed another athlete empowered to come out. We
are reprinting it with permission.)
I am
writing this e-mail to thank you for all the work and effort
you have put into Outsports.com. Personally, the website
provided an outlet for me when I was struggling with my
sexuality and being on a sports team. I want to share my
experience with you to let you know how much I appreciate
everything you've done.
I
graduated from Penn State on May 19. Looking back on my
time there I am nothing but proud. When I first arrived I
was one freshman among approximately 39,999 other students.
I was naturally looking for a means to fit in and find a
niche to call my own. I had fenced for seven years through
middle school and high school but inevitably found that I
wasn't going to make the multiple NCAA championship team (I
guess not being Eastern European is more of a disadvantage
than I thought it was.). Not to be discouraged I turned to
the club sports circuit and decided that I would try
something new instead. I considered a number of clubs but
eventually settled on the crew team. My brother had picked
up rowing at his university (he was a coxswain at Brown and
now coxes for Cambridge) so I decided to give it the old
college try.
From Day One I fell in love with it. The team provided me
with everything I was looking for: a sense of belonging,
something new, and, of course, awesome parties. All that
and I was in the best shape I've ever been in. The 4:30
wakeup calls seemed like a small price to pay. I got to see
sunrises (a rarity in college), I accomplished more by 8 in
the morning than most people would accomplish all day, and I
earned the high you can only get form an amazing practice.
I even hold the dubious honor of being the only member to
have gone from heavyweight rower to coxswain in one year (If
anyone is looking to lose weight, apparently rowing is the
way to go). The team, as cliché as it sounds, really did
become like another family.
Everything seemed perfect ... other than being deathly
afraid of anyone finding out I was gay. No one knew at that
point, not even my family. I didn't really acknowledge my
sexuality to myself until senior year of high school. Even
then I didn't come to grips with it until my first year in
college. To this day I'm impressed at how I was able to
fool myself into thinking 'It's just a phase" or "I don't
have time to worry about this." I personally hold college
responsible for making me realize my own sexuality; with
it's "liberal biases" and "accepting nature" and all. That
being said, I still wasn't comfortable with being gay. Much
less telling anyone (especially on the crew team). As time
went on though I felt more and more guilty. I was basically
lying to my friends. I wanted to tell my teammates but I
was so frightened at how things could change if they knew.
Their friendship and acceptance was important to me and I
didn't want to risk losing it.
With Penn State being a state school, in a state formerly
represented by Rick Santorum, I was understandably
apprehensive. I went to a high school in Southern
California. Pennsylvania was an introduction me to a wide
variety of fresh experiences ranging from hunting stories to
Amish (who make delicious pies and baked goods, by the way).
Other than Pittsburgh and Philadelphia there isn't a whole
lot else going on outside of Happy Valley. Most of my
teammates had never even met a gay person before. I didn't
know how they would take the news. I turned to the internet
to seek help. That is when I stumbled across Outsports.com
and became addicted. Just knowing that there were other
people out there in the same boat (no pun intended) as me
was comforting. I read stories about athletes like
Graham Ackerman and
Ryan Quinn who were out and they became my heroes.
After some time I realized that if my team couldn't accept
the fact that I was gay then screw them, their loss.
I didn't make a grand announcement or anything like that.
Instead I told a few friends the same way anyone in college
tells their friends something important -- drunk in the
dorm's bathroom holding my one friend's hair back as she
puked. The next morning at brunch was one question after
another. "Do your parents know?" "Are you coming out to
everyone?" And my personal favorite, "Are you sure?" I
told them yes, I am sure, and I wasn't going to hide it
anymore. I let them know that it didn't change anything. I
was still the same person they knew. Eventually everyone
knew about it as word got passed around and things couldn't
have been better. Things did change, for the better. I
found my team members nothing but supportive. There were a
few that were uneasy with it, but eventually they got used
to it. In many cases they were the ones most fascinated
with the whole "gay thing" and were amazed that I watched
football and drank beer instead of singing show tunes and
wearing heels.
I recently went to the last regatta I will ever attend as a
member of the team. While I'm sad that it's over I'm happy
with my experiences. I'm sad to be leaving my teammates and
Penn State but I couldn't have asked for anything more. Now
that I am officially an alum, I will know that I made the
most of my time and I'm a better person because of what I
went through. I can even take solace in the fact that I
helped change some people's perceptions of our community.
Thank you, Outsports, for providing me a haven. I hope that
other closeted athletes will continue to get strength and
conviction from this site. I know I did.
Andrew Thayer Glenn
Andrew Glenn majored in
Economics and minored in International Studies. He hopes to
attend the University of New South Wales in Australia for
grad school. He can be reached via e-mail.
I
graduated from Penn State on May 19. Looking back on my
time there I am nothing but proud. When I first arrived I
was one freshman among approximately 39,999 other students.
I was naturally looking for a means to fit in and find a
niche to call my own. I had fenced for seven years through
middle school and high school but inevitably found that I
wasn't going to make the multiple NCAA championship team (I
guess not being Eastern European is more of a disadvantage
than I thought it was.). Not to be discouraged I turned to
the club sports circuit and decided that I would try
something new instead. I considered a number of clubs but
eventually settled on the crew team. My brother had picked
up rowing at his university (he was a coxswain at Brown and
now coxes for Cambridge) so I decided to give it the old
college try.