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Out, then back
in the closet
A soccer player was accepted
by his team, but feels the need to hide as a coach
(Editor's
note: Outsports has run many accounts of athletes who have
come out of the closet. This story is a bit different -- an
athlete who was out to his college team, but felt a need to
go back in the closet upon taking his first coaching and
teaching job. We agreed to use a false name but have
confirmed this person is who he says he is.)
By
Matthew
Outsports.com
I played
soccer as a three-year starter on a Top 25 Division II team
at a small private school, in a small town in the South.
When I say small, I mean, smaller than my high school.
I grew up
in the Washington, DC metro area, where people are more so
concerned about their business, not yours. In high school,
I was outed my senior year to my friends by some football
players who were looking at gay personals online -- go
figure! Needless to say, I came out to my friends at the end
of high school and was comfortable and relieved at the same
time. My friends were great and life carried on.
I came out
to my mom my junior year and my dad my senior year. They
weren't 100% supportive at the time; it was pretty much
something that was understood, but not spoken about. But,
my family is so tight-knit that they soon got over it. My
little sister caught wind through my parents, and my three
brothers would find out later.
So, there I
was, out to family and friends and being myself to those
around me, with one dilemma -- off I go to college, on a
soccer scholarship, out of state, where no one knows me, to
a school smaller than my high school, down in the Bible
Belt. What to do? Against my better judgment, I figured it
would be good to head back to the closet. When you're at a
school where your business is everyone's business, and gay
people just don't exist unless you're a theater major, I
just thought it was a good idea. I needed to prove to these
Southerners that not gay people are like Jack from "Will &
Grace."
I stayed in
the closet my first year of college. I didn't know how
things would go with the locker room issue. I had never
dealt with that in high school; we simply changed clothes in
the locker room then headed down to the field. After games,
we’d just hop right on the bus and head home. In college,
everyone cleaned up after games and showered. I didn't want
things to be awkward, so I kept my personal life to myself.
Well, I kept it to myself until about April, then I came out
to my closest teammate. To my surprise, he didn't care.
(We were drunk when I told him, so that might have had
something to do with it). So that was the extent of my
"gayness" my freshman year.
The
following year, I became close to two freshmen on the team,
one of whom turned out to be my best friend and current
roommate. Great guys. I ended up telling them in the
spring of my sophomore year, 2003. My roommate's response
was, "Who cares? Where's our beer?" God bless him. I came
out to most of my other teammates that spring as well, once
the guys got to know me. They knew me for who I was, not
whom I liked.
Then came
junior year. Poor freshmen, probably scared pissless of me
in the locker room at the beginning of the season. My roomie
loves cracking gay jokes, so the locker room banter began.
Gay jokes flew like crazy in the locker room and there I was
-- out to my team. To my surprise, they were all cool with
it. I never did tell my coaches, but my teammates took care
of that. I've still never sat down and talked to my coaches
about my sexuality.
The coach knows
There was
one unforgettable moment. Every year during preseason, the
night before our first game, we used to lie down on the
soccer field, at midfield with the lights out, in the dark,
eyes closed. We did a visualization activity about how we
saw our season going. Coach would sit and talk us through
the season.
"I want you
guys to see our first game, see our first goal, see yourself
scoring the game winning goal," he said. Nothing out of the
norm, until, bam!, he said: "I want you guys to focus on the
season. Get your girlfriends and your boyfriends out of
your heads." Say what? Did he just say boyfriends? Wow.
My teammates were great, and loved me for who I was. My
coach was willing to acknowledge my situation when I had no
expectations of that ever being addressed.
I loved my
team, coach, and friends that I met down in the South, but
the area wasn't for me. When I graduated in December 2005,
I returned to the DC area. After two months of looking for
work, take one guess at where I landed -- back in the
South, in the same town as my college. I was going to be a
high school teacher. The plus about the teaching job was
that I got to be boys' and girls' varsity soccer coach.
So, after
five years of being myself, I packed bags and went back to
the closet.
Back to hiding
I am
currently teaching and coaching in a very rural area. We
only have one openly gay student, a male cheerleader.
Everyone assumes that I'm dating another teacher at my
school, a woman. I'm out to a few select coworkers. A gay
club at another school in our county got voted down by the
parents. That in mind, I can't really be out and proud.
Hiding was
not an easy decision, but I did it because of my perception
that the country boys and girls that I teach wouldn't
respect me as a teacher or coach because of their ignorance
when it comes to homosexuality. I also felt that people
would make ignorant assumptions about me coaching the boys
team. I make my boys practice with their shirts on, much to
their protest, just in case someone decided to make them
practicing shirtless an issue.
My
teammates know that I went back into the closet when I
started this job, so they're respectful and don't talk about
it. The issue of my sexuality did arise with some students,
so word is around. The kids mentioned something to a female
friend one day (she's one of the few who knows I'm gay), and
she quickly responded: "He's not gay! He's got a
girlfriend!" That was back in October, and that's been the
last of that. I never confirm that I'm dating or not
dating; I just say, "Why are you worried about my
business?" It seems to do the job. The kids love to
speculate about my personal life.
I always
read about guys having trouble coming out to their team.
After my teammates got to know me, I had no problem, so it
has been odd for me to go back into hiding. I think that I'm
done teaching and coaching in the area after this school
year, but I am not sure.
I’m not one
who likes to hide things from people I care about. I’m
pretty set on finding a new job, since I don’t feel
comfortable not being able to be myself, but would like to
keep coaching the boys' and girls' varsity teams. I am
proud to say that my girls made it to the state playoffs for
the first time in four years. Prom is coming up and I
jokingly said to my roommate and assistant coach, "What if I
just showed up with a guy as my date?" One can dream.
I’d rather
be able to be myself then to keep hiding it from the world.
Life outside the closet is much less stressful than life in
the closet. Being gay doesn’t mean being shunned by
society, or your family and friends, or even your team.
It’s all what you make of it.
Matthew, 24, can be reached
via e-mail
Discuss this article
May 7. 2007
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