While the Gay Games are a great beacon for out gay athletes, there is also no shortage of wrestlers in Cologne who are afraid of coming out in their personal or professional lives.
One wrestler, who is a high school wrestling referee, said that if parents in his area found out he is gay they would petition his state’s kids wrestling federation and that federation would ask him to resign as a referee. When I asked him whom at the organization I could speak to about it, he got emotional and begged me not to. Another wrestler, a high school coach, turned away when I asked for a photo saying he couldn’t be featured. His friends, who remained behind, said he was afraid of losing his job.
I wondered (quite nearly aloud) whether their fear was justified, or whether it was the same unfounded “fear of the unknown” that so many closeted professional athletes face. For example, Outsports has already done a full-length, front-page story on the high school coach using his full name, city and a photograph of him. When I asked the closeted referee how he knew he would lose his job if he came out publicly, he said he just knew. When pressed, he said he had seen parents push out gay coaches in his area before (he is a referee).
Regardless of whether the fear is justified or not, that fear is very real and very personal. The referee got tears in his eyes just thinking about even a remote possibility that he could lose his job. He said he has worked with inner-city kids for years, and coming out in his job isn’t worth risking the great work he has done with so many kids who need the direction he provides. The high school coach has even adopted a wayward kid (who had been kicked out of his home by his parents), and that kid is soon attending an Ivy League school.
A lot of people make villains of those who won’t come out fully in their lives, and I understand it to an extent. But I also understand these men who are doing so much in their local communities; Nothing is worth risking that to them.
on Aug 4th, 2010 at 11:28 AM
Why am I not surprised by this story? We all face the same f@#ked-up economic punishment, whether in or out.
on Aug 4th, 2010 at 11:58 AM
I’m fascinated by gay athletes who are out in their personal lives, but not professionally. There’s a fine line – different, but much the same.
And, in this case, navigating too close to that fine line drove a man to tears. That’s powerful stuff!
“”A lot of people make villains of those who won’t come out fully in their lives, and I understand it to an extent. But I also understand these men who are doing so much in their local communities; Nothing is worth risking that to them.”"
Inasmuch as we’ve come a long way, we still have a long way to go.
on Aug 4th, 2010 at 4:07 PM
Well said Cyd!!
on Aug 4th, 2010 at 7:24 PM
The closet is the enemy. Embracing it sends the wrong message to others struggling to come out. I’m not going to persecute anyone for being closeted, but at the same time I won’t celebrate or support it.
I understand many of these guys have money, jobs, careers and family on the line. But these are not isolated, confused teenagers lost somewhere in the wilderness of Montana. They are grown men. In the long run we’d do them a greater service to encourage them to get into a situation (e.g., change jobs or careers, cities?, etc.) where they can live honestly and openly.
If you have the means and ability to get to Cologne, Germany to participate in the Gay Games, you probably have the ability to come out and live honestly. It’s a matter of finding the courage and nerve within yourself to simply do it.
on Aug 4th, 2010 at 7:51 PM
It is always so funny when guys (like the one above me) says that other guys that are in the closet professionally should just quit and move.
These people have established roots and respect in their communities. Why should they just up and move to some place more tolerant? That is ridiculous. And for you to say that, you must live in a fantasy world. It isn’t that easy to pick up and move. Not to mention that there isn’t a guarantee of a job. Some people have been out of work for a year, two year, etc. looking for jobs.
And the most important, and the thing phrase that I live by, “Honey, are you going to pay my bills? I will be happy to quit if you are going to support me in the transition. If not, well, you can STFU.”
on Aug 4th, 2010 at 10:10 PM
@ Mike – “”They are grown men. In the long run we’d do them a greater service to encourage them to get into a situation (e.g., change jobs or careers, cities?, etc.) where they can live honestly and openly.”"
Wow, if you only knew…
So lets just say there is a certain professional baseball player, he just signed a contract for buckets of money – more money than you could spend in a lifetime. According to you he should simply change careers so he could live openly?
This certain ball player worked his ass off to accomplish his childhood dream of becoming a pro ball player. Why should he have to change careers? Why should he have to change, at all?
on Aug 5th, 2010 at 8:50 AM
As a prominent high school hoops coach, I really love some of these comments. I face the same dilemma everyday. I really do not have a problem living my life as I do. Sure it would be great to be out, but I would much rather have my career as a coach and educator.
If I could not do it, who would take care of my players that call me dad? It’s easy for people who are on the outside looking in to assume that the best option is to come out. But, if they were in a profession where there live could be drastically changed by the decision, would they still pull the trigger?
on Aug 5th, 2010 at 9:50 AM
The rationalizations of the closet are familiar and not at all surprising. The talk of respect and being part of a community are very telling. One has to wonder how valuable and real those items are when you believe they would be taken away from you if you reveal your true, honest self.
on Aug 5th, 2010 at 3:04 PM
@Mike – maybe for some, being part of the gay community is only a small part of their life – being a part of a professional sports team IS their life. And it’s far more important to them than being out.
on Nov 22nd, 2011 at 10:40 PM
Hola como va eso, me ha parecido muy bien escrito el articulo que has escrito, desde ahora ya tienes un nuevo y entusiasta visitante, gracias y sigue escribiendo.