That would be me.
When I got notification last year that I won tickets to the Saturday and Sunday sessions of the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines, I was ecstatic. Finally, I’d get within 10 feet of Padraig Harrington! So, there I was, last Saturday morning, waiting in the stands at the first hole for the first group to tee off. The first thing I noticed: woah, golfers have amazing back muscles. The second? You have no idea where the ball has gone once it leaves the tee, until someone with high-powered binoculars says something like “In the rough next to the bunker!”. Nice. Finally, Padraig’s tee-time was near; I made my way down to where the players enter the tee area. Yeah, Padraig Harrington is totally gorgeous; it was nice to get confirmation of that.
At a tournament, you have to make choices: Stay at a hole and see everyone? Follow one group? Bounce around to where the action might be? I took the “Follow Padraig and Retief Goosen until they’re finished and then backtrack to the leaderson the back nine” path. Since they didn’t tee off until ca. 11:00 am, after the first few groups were underway, I went to as many different spots as I could: the amazing 4th hole, the monster 9th and a few others before winding my way back to 1 in time to see Harrington and Goosen tee off.
After they were underway, I was running from the first hole to the second and I hit a divot and twisted my ankle. After a fullisade of “FUCK!”’s, I hobbled to 2. I made it to the 9th hole when my machismo finally gave out. Spying a first aid tent, I got iced and taped up; I was told “No ligament damage” but I simply ignored their advice to have a course worker take me somewhere, where I was to sit for the rest of the day.
Decision time: What to do now? I decided on a $9 Angus cheeseburger lunch (surprisingly good) and head to the 18th hole stands. I eventually made my way to the last row of far-right stand at 18 and saw the amazing downhill putt that Tiger Woods made that had the crowd going berserk. It was amazing, one of those “I’ll think of this when I’m 82″ moments. I was so fired up for Sunday’s session, I could barely sleep.
Waking up on Sunday morning at 6 a.m. (first tee was something like 7 a.m.), my ankle was killing me. Hey, I may be gay, but I’m a tough m-fer, dammit! I was determined to suck up the pain but figured I’d watch all the players tee off from 1 (Tiger was due to tee off at 1:30 p.m.) and then walk the 100 feet or so to the stands at 18 and get a spot for what promised to be a spectacular finish. I didn’t want to lose my spot once I was there, so I loaded up on food. That turned out to be the beginning of the end: the allegedly char-broiled chicken wasn’t cooked enough and I immediately got queasy in the stomach after eating it. Damn! I had mismanaged my sunscreen regimen on Saturday: it was hazy most of the day, so I stupidly went light on the 50 PF sunscreen that I used to shield my very pale skin.
Bad move! My ears were torched, they were agonizing to the touch (made sleeping fun too!). The sun was out from the get-go Sunday and I was starting to feel miserable; the queasiness from the food, my ears and general lack of comfort with the heat was making me miserable. The lines to get in to the stands at 18 were already ginourmous (and Tiger wasn’t due to tee off for about another hour), so that didn’t look promising, based on the one-fan-leaves-another-enters policy. I decided to slather on a bunch of sunscreen and … I made a mess of it. I got a couple of blobs in my eyes, so there I am, pouring $4 bottles of water in my eyes (there were only porta-potties for us proles, no nice bathrooms with running water like the corporate fatcats had access to) and … I snapped. “Fuck it, I’m leaving” I thought. After finally being able to see, barely, I left the grounds and caught the bus back to my hotel room.
My plan was to sleep until about 3 p.m. and walk across the street from my hotel and watch the end of the tournament at the sports bar across the street. Except, I forgot to set my alarm and I ended up sleeping until about 6 p.m. The hotel room I was in only had four channels on the TV; NBC was not one of them. It wasn’t until the 10 p.m. local news on the one network channel I had access to that my heart sank: the incredible day that Rocco Mediate and Tiger Woods had was replayed, and I had slept through the whole thing in a hotel room in Cardiff-by-the Sea. Damn, damn, damn and damn. Bonus dumbness: I was on a train back to Los Angeles during the Monday playoff. DAMN.
So, total bonehead move by me, horrible management of how to navigate a tournament and all I got out of it was a kick-ass Italian dinner at a nice restaurant near my hotel. I will say, not as a excuse but as an observation: Being at a tournament is a totally sucky way to see golf. No matter what option you choose, you’re always missing things, for one. I was in the stands Saturday when Tiger had his great shot on 17; all we knew about it was the huge roar from the crowd, because there was no video boards to see anything on and TV’s and cellphones were banned. The other bad part, for me, is that you can never see the ball on tee shots or drives, especially on misty days like Saturday where it just disappears in to the haze.
Some of the stands/roped off areas were so far away from some of the putting greens, you spent your time squinting at the stick figures in the distance playing. In compensation, the atmosphere is great, the golfers are close by — Brandt Snedeker, woah — and there’s tons of eye candy, from military dudes from the bases that dot San Diego County to frat boys to guys that look like Junior Vice Presidents at a bank to hottie straight guys with their girlfriends to hot older guys in good shape.
It’s not an experience I think I’ll ever repeat –with the hotel situation being a nightmare and only a $215/night room that was a 20-minute bus ride away being available, I spent close to $1,100 for the whole 3 1/2-day experience– but I’m glad I went and at the very least, I’ll always have that memory of that incredible putt by Tiger Woods on Saturday to cherish. –Jim Allen
on Jun 18th, 2008 at 7:50 PM
I was at last year’s Open at Oakmont with my brother and niece and spent the day-and-a-half we were there saying things like “This isn’t a real sport if you can’t boo” and “Why can’t you make noise? They don’t tell people to be quiet when a basketball player is shooting a free throw” and “What this needs is Happy Gilmore fighting Bob Barker.”
It was an interesting experience but not the type of event I’d want to attend on a regular basis.
on Jun 18th, 2008 at 9:22 PM
Is that “Brandt Snedeker, woah” comment like a woah, he’s kinda nice to look at woah?
on Jun 18th, 2008 at 9:42 PM
Taylor: yes. I think he’s a total doofus hottie, despite really needing some haircut advice, plus he made some amazing shots when I was watching. It’s a shame he had such a horrible first day, he’d have been in contention otherwise. If you like guys who look like bank executives, as I do, there was a *lot* of eye candy to see last weekend, both on the course and in the stands: Heath Slocum, Retief Goosen, Jim Furyk, Stewart Cink, Justin Leonard, Trevor Immelman and so on and so forth.
Joe, golf is like opera: shut your cake hole until the shot/aria is over, then go nuts.
And what a surprise that a Philly dude would be upset about not being able to boo! 
on Jun 18th, 2008 at 10:36 PM
Good! I agree completely with you on Sneds…
on Jun 18th, 2008 at 11:34 PM
Ahhh, the thrills and chills of watching live golf. Yes it sucks big time compared to watching on TV because you just don’t get to see all that goes on, but the opportunity to see these guys live and in person makes up for that a lot in my book.
Debating whether or not to go to Bethpage next year. Played it a good twenty years or so ago. It’s no surprise how tough it was on the pros.
on Jun 18th, 2008 at 11:39 PM
The best way to learn something is to follow one of the guys in the middle of the pack. They spray it all over the course and hit tons of bad shots–but still shoot 71. Their short games and escaping ability are incredible. The leaders are doing everything right and can be sort of boring to watch.
Pros are also a lot bigger than you’d expect from seeing them on TV. Lots of 6′2″, 6′3″, 6′4″ guys with huge backs and shoulders.
on Jun 18th, 2008 at 11:40 PM
But, Jim, no one booed even after the shot/aria was over. I saw many missed putts last year that deserved boos and there wasn’t a single one. Not even from me.
on Jun 18th, 2008 at 11:45 PM
Not a golf fan, but live in San Diego and enjoyed the non-stop coverage of the Open on our local TV stations…was wondering how the golfers would be able to tee off in the early morning marine layer that blankets our coast during June…live within walking distance of the Coronado golf course and there’s nothing sexy about the daily golfers I see…consider the sport to be a wasteful use of limited resources for a limited few to enjoy…anywho, hope you make it back down this way for our better sport…Gay Pride in late July…
on Jun 19th, 2008 at 2:43 AM
The opportunity to see these guys live and in person makes up for that a lot in my book
Yeah, what blew me away was how much power they generated on tee shots. I was joking with some other fans about how reading the greens is like a science, and damn if someone wouldn’t tap the ball right in to the exact “groove” of the green to make a putt (or if they were far away, setting themselves up for easier shots for par). It’s just frustrating to hear this enormous roar at another hole and not know what’s going on.
They spray it all over the course and hit tons of bad shots–but still shoot 71. Their short games and escaping ability are incredible. The leaders are doing everything right and can be sort of boring to watch.
Oh, I don’t know about that, Tiger sure had some really poor shoots/holes and, of course, a lot of people were buzzing about Phil Mickelson’s quadruple bogey on 13 on Saturday.
It really is amazing, when you come down to it, how little margin there is for error and how someone can get on a hot streak and then…tank.
consider the sport to be a wasteful use of limited resources for a limited few to enjoy
You mean, like every NFL stadium? Torrey Pines is a public course, anyone can play there as far as I can tell. The Jets fan I sat next to for most of Saturday is a sales rep back in New Jersey and he was saying that he’s coming back to Torrey Pines in October for a golf weekend.
anywho, hope you make it back down this way for our better sport…Gay Pride in late July…
Ewww, a bunch of hairless muscle-mary’s with tans that look like they were produced at the same factory in China, no thanks, I’ll pass.
on Jun 19th, 2008 at 3:08 AM
Jim, Torrey may be a public course, but it’s still ruled by an elitist group of old timers who broker tee times at the expense of San Diego taxpayers…also, San Diego is a friggin’ desert, all non-native landscaping is a waste of dwindling water resources…and I agree with you on the hairless muscle mary’s at Pride, but we’re still far from the butt/pec/calf implant world of LA and the man-boy PC correctness of SF…
on Jun 19th, 2008 at 12:09 PM
Oh, I don’t know about that, Tiger sure had some really poor shoots/holes and, of course, a lot of people were buzzing about Phil Mickelson’s quadruple bogey on 13 on Saturday.
In a US Open, that’s definitely true–everyone’s struggling. Tiger isn’t exactly the most accurate driver of the golf ball either. As for generating power–they really hit the sh*t out of the ball. Having a perfectly repeatable swing also helps.
michael, have you ever been to Torrey Pines on a Sunday morning? It is packed with a bunch of normal 9-to-5ers who sleep in their cars in the parking lot to get a tee time. (At least that’s how we did it last time I played there.) People who make up any “elitist group of old timers” belong to and play at private courses.
on Jun 19th, 2008 at 2:48 PM
I went to Bethpage in 02 and my only fond memory was the merch tent. That and the free ice cream bars in the hospitatlity tent that I was fortunate to get into. When I went to the holes, I couldn’t see anything and was puzzled by guys who were wearing golf clothes and shoes as if they might get called in to play a few holes.
And I too suffered the wrath of Mother Sun. The blisters on my ample ears took a few weeks to go away. Damn pale skin.
Golf is best enjoyed on tv.
on Jun 19th, 2008 at 4:29 PM
Ewww, a bunch of hairless muscle-mary’s with tans that look like they were produced at the same factory in China, no thanks, I’ll pass.
I just realized that reads kinda weird, as if I was implying that their tans were produced in China. Maybe “tanned, hairless muscle-mary’s that look etc.” would have been better.
The blisters on my ample ears took a few weeks to go away. Damn pale skin.
Hahaha. I’m not outdoorsy in the slightest and I’m a night person, so it makes it even worse when I venture out in the sunlight for extended periods because no matter how much sunscreen I put on, the white glow of my skin is a sunburn magnet. At Torrey Pines, there weren’t a lot of places available if you wanted to avoid the sun; the merch tent the size of an airport hangar didn’t appeal and while there were some trees to hide under, they weren’t enough.
Memo to people who smoke despite numerous warnings not to, not the least because there’s a ton of dry grass surrounding the lush greens that would go up in flames if a butt caught fire, and who blow smoke in to people’s faces despite having the option of blowing the smoke towards the ground:
You are scum.