Every story deserves a good villain. Alien had an 8-foot tall monster with acid for blood… The Dark Knight had a psychotic guy with a Glasgow Smile and who dressed like a clown… Titanic had Kate Winslet who wouldn’t move on that fucking door to let Leo DiCaprio on so he wouldn’t freeze to death. Bitch.
But, for those of us who are fans of the 28 teams not playing this weekend, we need to find a team to get behind because the other team and their fans are just a bunch of douches. And since Patriot Nation took an early tee time, we need to analyze the four teams playing in this weekend’s Conference Championships and figure out which of these douches chills you the most!
Team 1: The Philadelphia Eagles
- The city known for heart-stopping cheesesteaks and Boys II Men. New Jack Soul was a disgrace to all of music, and Philly is responsible for the majority of it.
- The most obnoxious fans on the planet Earth with zero reason to be. Before the Phillies lucked their way into a title this season, the city had been championship-less for 25 years. Can you imagine the self-righteousness of Philadelphia fans if the Eagles win it all and they become the late 2000’s version of Boston fans?
- They boo children. (okay, this might be a plus)
- You don’t know the meaning of hatred til a drunk asshole wearing green and white shouts “E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!!!” in your face. It’s like the Jets chant only much lamer.
Team 2 - The Chicago St. Louis Phoenix Arizona Cardinals
- The team that has not won a title since 1947 (when, coincidentally, they beat the Eagles) and has been the definition of mediocrity for generations.
- Kurt Warner: Burgeoning Artist
- Phoenix has heat during the day that would make your car’s tires explode and that same night has cold that would turn your pool into a skating rink. I’m convinced this city is filled with schizophrenics.
- Bill Bidwell. This man must never, ever be rewarded for his ridiculous cheapness. To give you some idea, until around the turn of the century, Bidwell would require players to buy their own equipment. Also, he screwed over a city for not building him a new stadium also, which brings us to…
Team 3 - The Baltimore Ravens
- Former owner Art Modell can never step foot again into the city of Cleveland without armed guards. Generally considered a huge asshole by anyone outside of Maryland (and by Redskins fans within Maryland). No confirmation about this, but it is believed that he also kicks puppies and punches babies for fun.
- These dicks.
- Having an (alleged) murderer in their LB corps and generally having the worst examples of “The U” on their team.
- No one outside of Baltimore can make a crab cake correctly. Their obnoxious guarding of this secret must be stopped.
Team 4 - The Pittsburgh Steelers
- The most successful of the group, having won a championship this century. They’re the odds-on favorite to win, and really, isn’t it more fun to hate on a favorite?
- Their mayor Luke Ravenstahl had his name (fake) changed this week to Luke Steelerstahl. People who care, zero.
- Troy Polamalu and his long hippie hair.
I know who I’m picking as my winner.
on Jan 16th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
With the Patriots and Chargers out, I don’t have a lot of hate this year. None of these teams gets my blood boiling.
on Jan 16th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
The douche that chills me the most is the writer of this garbage.
on Jan 16th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I do feel like we live in a culture in which the worst thing you can do is win. We’ve gone from loving our champions and praising them to hating them if they win too much. We make excuses like “their fans are obnoxious” and the like. But for some reason, we hate winners unless we are in the tiny minority of people who are true fans of that team. Whichever team wins the Super Bowl this year will see its popularity plummet. What does that say about us?
on Jan 17th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
People still cheer for the winner of Weakest Link and The Biggest Loser…
on Jan 19th, 2009 at 10:44 am
I am routing for the Cardinals and I dont care what anyone says.
on Jan 19th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
In defense of the Kate Winslet character in Titanic — she tried to get her boyfriend up on the board, but the board wasn’t big enough to support both of them, and turned over. So he gallantly stayed in the water to freeze to death, since his aim was to save her life.
on Jan 19th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Ms. Warren, muchas gracias for correcting Mr. Cabrera on his erroneous choice of Kate Winslet as a villain. It’s obvious he must have been salting his popcorn and missed that scene. Now if we’re still in the market for a female villain, may I suggest swapping out Kate for Nancy Allen’s ‘Chris Hargensen’ from the movie “Carrie”? On a scale of 1 to 10 in villainy, dumping a bucket of pig’s blood on a shy schoolgirl turned prom queen in front of the senior class rates a 187, dontcha think?