The New York Times has a good article that looks into the types of friendships that gay and straight men can have with each other. Its conclusion:
Although male friends of opposite orientations can face formidable obstacles - sexuality, language, peer pressure, inequality - there seems to be more mutual appreciation and common ground.
I found many of the issues raised by the friends to be spot on as they related to the friends I have who are straight. And it hit on one area of commonality that is very true with me: a common love of sports.
One conclusion Professor Savin-Williams drew from his conversations with young men was that there was a direct correlation between how “straight acting” they were and whether they had close straight friends. Sports, he said, were a common area for bonding.
“I find very few straight men really wanting to be friends with really obvious gay men,” he said. “They’re afraid other people will think they’re gay because their friend is so obviously gay, or there’s a feeling of almost slight disgust with feminine behavior in a male body.”
I would love to hear about the friendship you have with guys who are straight, and what issues — if any — you have faced. Does this article ring true with your experiences.
on Jun 28th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
My best friend is straight. His family would always tell me its kind of amazing because growing up he didnt exactly love gay people. Also friends with his brother, and all of his friends, and they dont care I am gay. Doesnt change the fact that I love hockey and football like they do, can play videogames like they can, like the same movies and do the same things they do. Been told, and have seen them defend me from people who found out about me and tried to pick a fight. I dont need the help, but they have my back, I have theirs. They are really good guys and I am happy to know them.
on Jun 28th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Are you sure you like the “same movies” and “do the same things they do”? You might want to take a relook at the definition of gay.
on Jun 28th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
My uber-obsession with sports has helped to break some of the gay-stereotype walls down with some of my friends’ husbands. There are so many people, especially in this area of the country, who have yet to be exposed to many, if any, gay people, but they still have contrived what they believe the ‘gay man’ looks and acts like. When I can keep up, and often out wit them in the knowledge of football, baseball, NASCAR, and soccer, their tune and attitude at the fact that I’m gay quite often changes. It gives me something different to connect with them about.
on Jun 28th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
When I was in the closet for my college years, I was also in a typical straight fraternity. My brothers were and are amazing men, so when we all graduated and I finally came out, my relationship with them turned out to be even stronger. They were happy that I seemed to be a more complete person.
I never faced any issues regarding my homosexuality, though I bite my tongue whenever I hear homophobic remarks. I like to bond with them with a lot of things, especially sports. In the end, there’s no divide because of sexuality.
on Jun 28th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
One of my friends is dating a guy that I impressed because I wanted to watch the NFL draft when I was out their way visiting. I called picks before they happened and gave him a fairly good rundown of the Steelers. He had to pick his jaw up off the floor.
Dan,
All it took with them was a 3 hour conversation involving Zombies and my survival plan, they decided I was worth having when the zombie apocalypse happens. As for the same things…what guy doesnt like getting laid?
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 12:18 am
Chris, do you kiss other men in front of them? Hold hands? Call him honey like they do their girlfirends? When they start on conversations of sexual theme, do you have all the liberties, or only content that won’t make them uncomfortable?
If you happen to coincidentally be similar to them, good. But I’m always suspicious of the “I’m just like them” gays. Are straight men monolithic, somehow? Do all of them like sports?
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Most of my friends are straight. I actually like sports more than most of them. I wasn’t sure if the article was supposed to be propaganda for gay rights or something. Don’t most gays have straight friends?
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 4:44 am
In the current “Real World” (Cancun) there’s an obnoxious str8 frat boy type who seems like a stereotypical gaybasher, but when he learned one of his roommates is gay, he said “Yes! I’m so psyched there’s a gay guy in the house. I gotta get him to help me with my outifts.”
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 6:50 am
I find I self-censor myself around gays when the subject of sports comes up and around straights when the subject of classical voice comes up.
It turns out that those subjects so rarely come up in that context that the self-censoring rarely has to be implemented.
That does not make it any less pernicious or dishonest. But it makes my life easier. Regardless I am always ‘outted’ eventually.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 7:53 am
dan, what a faggy queen comment. being gay is about being attracted and wanting and liking to have sex with guys…end of story. my str8 hockey teammates/friends always try and get me hooked with guys. being gay is not about being concerned with “people” magazine, getting massively in debt ’cause you have to have the latest fashions or worried about how well you look on the dance floor. and yes, i am out.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 10:29 am
I have far more straight friends than gay friends; I’ve never found being gay an obstacle to having straight friends. I can’t say I experience any particular obstacles to having straight friends; I will freely talk about how hot I find guys to be with my straight friends, and if I don’t talk about the particulars of my sexlife with them, well, I don’t talk about the particulars of my sexlife with my gay friends either!
I think it’s remarkable that people find anything remarkable about friendship between straight men and gay men; there are, of course, some straight men out there who are bigoted neanderthals, but there are also plenty of bigoted gay men out there. I avoid both groups.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I’ve had a number a straight friends though the years and sexuality never mattered. It was a small fact. No big deal. It’s the old school people who have more trouble with sexuality. Oddly because they think they’re hurt by it somehow. That’s weird. Most of the “old school” people out there are old and wrinkly…not attractive. A straight friend of mine even made a joke about the size of his package. We laughed about it. Maybe gay people need to be the change. I had this conversation with a gay man last night.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
My best friend is straight. He’s a former college housemate, and he and his son are my family. My closest friends are straight and either current or former co-workers and peers in our field. Most straight buds are married and have kids so their overall fun time w/the guys is limited. Usually they’re activity buds such as hunting, fishing, backpacking, softball, golf or tennis, beer/darts/pool buds. These guys are all late 30’s-40’s and really dont’ care what folks think about them. Theyre married and have kids. Their families accept me NP. All are very well educated and I live in the Portland, OR, vicinity which is pretty LGBT friendly. Straight folks in general don’t seem to like man on man PDA or much talk of man sex and dating though. That element isn’t an easy comfort zone of all but not a tension point either. Most of my gay friends are from more of a sexual connection now that I think of it. Hmmm.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
HI KEV!
Lacrece, I agree with you 100%.
Bryan, you may me right but I feel you need to watch your homophobic, spiteful language.
As for me, and Bryan’s language can be an example, I’ve always gotten along much better with straight men because they’re never judging me on how I look or how much I have. My best friends are straight. There is never any drama and we always like to have a good time. We have the best, deep intellectual conversations about life and humanity and can be 100% honest with each other. I can’t have that with gay men. We always get along best with the sex we’re not attracted to.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Lucrece,
Yup. Kissed dudes in front of them. I am not a hand holder, its never been my thing. Guys talk about sex, and I figure if they did not want to hear details of my sexlife, they wouldnt ask me about it. I am blessed with a pretty open minded set of friends, they are like me in that they enjoy the same type of things like sports, or videogames or movies or outdoors stuff.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
My best friend was a university football player, and i was a figure skater…We were dorm mates, eventual roomates for 4 years. Then he moved in with his girlfriend, and when that didn’t work he moved back in with me.
Although we don’t like ALL the same movies, tv, or sports…we have an amazing friendship….As most of my gayfriends call him “Chad’s heterosexual life partner” LOL.
With all the fucking losers in the gay community, it’s nice to know I have a friend who I can count no matter what….Most gay guys are fucking flakes.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
thanks rusted, dan earned them though. i only labeled his comments, not him.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
One of my best friends in the world is straight and I’m gay. We have a lot of the same interests and friends so thats what kick started our friendship but now we just enjoy each others company so much we hang out all the time. This relationship is one of my most treasured but also one of the most challenging.
In the long run I would so much rather have him as a friend then a relationship that would almost certainly fail because of INFINITE amounts of barriers that would need to be broken down. I feel like sometimes I get a lot of mixed signals from him that i don’t really know how to deal with and sometimes I feel like the one who keeps it a friendship which is funny because the stereotype is totally the other way around…
Anyways, i love my straight friends and I dont know what I would do without them but sometimes there can be a lot of heartache when it gets a little close for comfort…
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
My best male friend is straight, and so is my best female friend. I have never had a gay friend that I really bonded with, and I’m not exactly sure why. Truth is, my entire circle of friends are straight. I don’t seem to fit into most gay social scenes, except probably athletic ones. I’m not uncomfortable in a gay crowd, but at times feel myself trying to fit in. I fit into my circle of friends very naturally, all of whom just happen to be hetero. My other half feels similarly. We’ve been together for 19 years, and are loved and accepted like the other couples in our group.
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 1:58 am
Interesting reads. Sounds like some of you are simply court jesters for your straight friends. Isn’t that a stereotype?! Do any of you have your “own” life where are the center and not your straight friend? I have good solid straight guy friends that we share the typical guy things in common you could say. I also have very strong Gay guy friends who I share substantially more things in common. Having a partner with two children of course superceds everything above. Being equal and open with one another is the way we do it and this in turn leads to respect and solid friendships based of equality not being supportive player. Fostering a sense of community is very important, so those of you that have more straight friends than gay friends need to a gut check about what is really important. And Kev, get married or something and get your own husband and kids. Being a substitue gay nanny is degrading.
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 3:00 am
I am friends with plenty of straight guys, my 2 best friends are straight and I have even double-dated w/ one and his gf. i have more straight friends then gay ones now that i think about it! i lost plenty of straight friends too, mostly the religious ones, but for the most part my friends accepted me when i came out, which is alot more than i can say for my fucked up family…..
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 9:24 am
One of my closest friends is straight, we originally bonded on the tennis court, and are in the same line of work. I’m 45 and he’s 30. Our orientation is meaningless, its like the fact that he has blue eyes and mine are green. We’ve helped each other through some tough spots in the road, and we always have fun on the tennis court. I’ve even played wing man for him when he was between gf’s. (I’m in a 16-year relationship - and my partner is glad that I have such a nice friend.)
He’s one of the nicest, most sensitive and caring people I’ve ever met, and I would think he’d say something similar about me - but he helped make me that way. The straight guy in this friendship has been the leader on sensitivity training.
Thankfully, one sterotype still holds - his apartment is a mess!
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
RK, let me play devil’s advocate here for a moment. How can gay men “find their own” in the gay male community when it doesn’t accept them? As for me and my friends, there is no “center” in our large group of friends. We encourage and help everyone be the best that they can be and not a “court jester” as you put it. We also don’t take life so goddamn seriously. It’s not a competition and we accept everyone the way they are at the time. If there are problems then we help that person to overcome those problems.
I am a very strong individual personality-wise. I don’t need big biceps, six-pack abs or a larger-than-normal dick to be a leader. If I do, then fuck those who say so. I’m WAAAAYYY better off without them.
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Be who you are and love who you love.
Those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.
People are people. Straight, Gay, Black, White. We all want the same thing. To love and be loved.
Nothing else matters.
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I recently got a new roommate, and he’s straight, with a girlfriend in another country at the moment. The thing is, he’s really nice and I get along with him really well. I like him as a friend for sure, but he’s also extremely attractive to me. I don’t know what to do about that, because it’s painful for me to feel attracted to him and have to live with him, too. Always looking, never touching. I’ve tried to flirt in a way that is easily passed off as playful if he calls me out on it, but he’s more or less refrained from participating in any such flirting game with me. I feel like something could be there, but I don’t want to make everything weird. Truth is, I’d be happy with as much or as little as he might be willing to offer. What do you do when you’re distractedly attracted to your straight roommate?
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Steven: I have straight friends too. A romance? I’m afraid it will never happen. Even when I took the boys from my college days to a gay establishment, I never thought any of them as being gay. Hey, they were adults, free to come and go, and if any of them had wanted to come out, they would have. I accepted them on their own terms and they did the same. If you are attracted to your straight friend, you could sit down and talk about it or look for another place to live. Just get out and go on with your own life!
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
hey Steven back in college I had a straight roommate I was waaaay attracted to and he had a girlfriend, but one night we got piss drunk, he put on a movie and I sat on the couch not far from him. halfway through it, he kissed me and away we went! it was a total shock, but definitely a welcome one. just get your roomie in a compromising position, don’t make a move though, just see what happens. if he gives any kind of signal, go in for the kill…..
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Hi,
My best friend, Craig, is a straight male. He is very sensitive, intelligent (he’s an engineer and patent attorney), hates sports (like me), is dying for an LTR (like me), loves video games (like me) and to work out (like me) and loves psychology (like me). He encourages me to date, helps me feel better if I get rejected, and even set me up on a date recently with someone he knew. He went to a gay club with me and spent the whole day in the gay district of Toronto without complaining. He doesn’t specifically enjoy gay culture or like dancing, but he goes sometimes if I want to, to spend time with me and let me do the things I like to do. The point is he’s not afraid to go and he comprimises doing what he wants to to be more accomodating to me, which is a great quality.
He always makes me feel better when anyone says homophobic remarks or the government restricts gay rights and he knows its hard being gay and admits this.
I can tell him anything about my sexual encounters if I wanted to, he wouldn’t care at all, and he never cares if I kiss or makeout with a dude. I don’t tell him much only because I’m fairly conservative but I would tell him as much as any of my gay or female friends and most likely give him more details. And he of course tells me anything about what he does with girls and I’m the first one to know and I am excited for him if he gets some action
(He’s not secretly gay if that’s what you are thinking.)
I tell him when I think a dude is hot, and he tells me if he thinks a girl is hot and we don’t keep anything from each other and he never gets uncomfortable by my attraction for men. I hug him hello and goodbye in public and he likes it and doesn’t give me a “straight” guy hug, he hugs me for real and he doesn’t care who sees or what they think.
He learns from me about what makes a guy attractive and I also teach him how to be more sensitive. He watches romantic comedies with me, which he doesn’t particularly like, but he learns from them and he does it to be accomodating. We watch lots of other movies, but the point is he’s really open minded.
Its interesting people suggest gay men restrict themselves around straight men because here Craig sometimes does things he doesn’t like very much to accomodate me and my “gay” interests. I’m lucky to have a friend like him.
Anyway, the point is that Craig is a really great guy, it doesn’t matter if he’s straight or gay and we have lots in common and similar values and life goals. I think when it comes to friendship what matters is that you have common interests and values with someone not their orientation.
HOWEVER, I am slightly, not very, straight acting, which makes it easier to be friends with straight males. I don’t try to be straight acting, but that’s the way I am. While I know straight men that are friends with effeminate gay men, I’d imagine its harder. But if they met someone they hads lots in common with, perhaps they would form a beautiful friendship despite the barrier, so give it a chance !
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Thanks for you advice on my previous post, Jerry and Druggybear. I hope others will chime in with their thoughts; I can’t decide on a course of action, but tension (one my end) is rising. LawEd: Nice post. Sounds like a wonderful relationship.
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Steven,
Is he worth more to you as a friend or do you only think it will just be a one night stand? Sex complicates things, and what should be clear never is. If he is worth more to you as a friend, do nothing. If you think you can get him in bed, you wont be planning on a long term friendship with the guy. They rarely break down that way where you turn into friends with benefits.
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
RK: You misinterpret my post. I never, ever wanted to be a parent. I do enjoying my friends kids immensely but am not the lumber a good parent is made of. I travel too much for work and just work too much because I love my job. I couldn’t do the day in and day out thing raising kids. That being said I am pretty great short term w/kids.
I been out for 30 years and have had several LTRs and for various reasons they didnt not make the long haul but my long term friends are still there.
I also always thought being gay released me from the need to get married. More power to all the rest of you but a ring and a piece of paper makes no difference to me. That being said I expect the current Administration to repeal DOMA and DADT and level the playing field.
One of many things I owe gratitude to my family for is their raising me to be fiercely independent and self reliant. I am not one of those folks male or female who can’t be alone. Watch out for them.
Getting back to Jims question, yes I and many others here apparently have a whole ton of straight friends as pals for playing sports and catching a game. Some even have “straight life partners”. Love that LOL
on Jul 1st, 2009 at 8:42 am
Steven with the str8 roomate he has feelings for, email me, cause i completely and wholeheartedly understand and can share acuteboi4u@hotmail.com
on Jul 2nd, 2009 at 7:12 pm
i have lots of straight friends.
the sports stuff does not qualify me in their eyes. it seems thats some people latch onto sports in order to qualify others. as if that is the golden ticket to acceptance.
im a trio of best friends. one is straight. two of us are homosexuals. i like sports. the other homo is more “artsy”. wears nail polish. not really fem, just artsy. the straight one loves both me and my friend just the same. i dont need to know all the latest stats. not all sports fans do.
if people have to find that you like sports, or have other typical masculine traits in order to have you as a friend, then what kind of friendship is that?
i have lots and lots of friends that i have gathered along the years. a lot of them are straight. my homosexuality has nothing to do with being friends.
when they talk about broads, i talk about dudes. one time, a friends cousin told me he didnt want to hear me talk about dudes. i said i dont want to hear him talk about chicks then. he got it.
i dont hide any side of me. i like sports. i like to garden. i catch a dodger game and i go to art shows.
im your typical cultured man. men come in all shapes sizes and colors.
on Jul 2nd, 2009 at 7:16 pm
im getting a feeling that a lot of guys here are young.
whats up with chasing straight guys?
let them chase you. why waste your time.
on Jul 2nd, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Interesting posts, I live in NYC and have ONE gay friend and I am out. My best friends happen to be straight and that’s just the way it is. Being in a predominately Black fraternity has made lief all the more interesting, but when my fraternity brothers ask me to be God father to their children it says a lot about them.
I have been the best man at two weddings in the last three years, even did the whole bachelor party thing in Vegas, (lots of lap dances that did nothing for me). I think true friendship transcends sexuality, I can talk about anything with any of my friends without judgement or a raised eyebrow, they even come to gay bars with me.
I don’t selects my friends based on their sexuality, but based on their heart and ultimately, LOYALTY!
on Jul 5th, 2009 at 2:00 am
Dan your a douche bag! that was stupid and you must be gay to or you wouldn’t have visited this site now wink to that
on Jul 14th, 2009 at 9:26 am
I have had a very very good gay friend since high school im straight and when he came out not a lot of people in HS accepted him after that and i didnt care at all hes such a cool cat we wont ever not be firends…who else am i going to get advice about my pictures or how i look before a date or what to wear or say to impress a girl (not that i dont already know but they now more!!!) if your confident and comfortable with your sexuality then why should it matter if your friends are gay straight lesbian metro black white anything …My friend and i from high school and are still good friends and hes a gay model and he has me comment on his pictures to and i have no problem with that my girlfriend loves it LOL
-Brad
on Jul 14th, 2009 at 9:28 am
know***
(not now)
on Jul 14th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Hmm…well the whole masculine/feminine thing not only determines many straight/gay male relationships, but also many gay/gay male relationships. I know many gay guys who are not completely out who don’t have gay friends who are real feminine because they don’t want that “guilt by association” tag. They want to just go out and not have the risk of running into someone they know who doesn’t know and then have them goin back and tellin everybody “I saw such and such with a nelly queen yesterday”.
I know that even I still have this issue. But there are a lot of straight guys who definite gauge the masculinity scale of a gay guy in determining if its someone cool they will hang out with. I think for me too…the fact that you can’t tell by my talk or walk or dress that I’m gay and that I’m so into sports and outdoor activities that its really been something that has broken down walls with some straight guys who otherwise may have been hesitant to associate with me.
But, I’m sure I have and other straight guys have missed out on some great relationships with gay guys who we/they felt uncomfortable around because of their obvious gayness. Its just all about your own security and what you feel comfortable with. Thats an insecurity of mine that I am still working on.
on Oct 24th, 2009 at 8:40 am
This post is from a straight man, married to a wonderful woman. I have many gay friends whom I love deeply. Further I do not have any qualms about non-sexual intimacy with any of them. One of them and I regularly greet and depart from each other with a kiss on the lips. I do not feel the least bit strange about doing this. To me it is a token of our friendship.
on Oct 24th, 2009 at 8:59 am
yeah, who is the pot and who is the kettle?