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Playing together, staying together Sports couples find love on and off the field
Brian Van de Mark is a member of the San Diego Chapter of the Golden State Gay Rodeo Association, and also happens to be the reigning Mr. GSGRA 2002. His partner, Jim Costello, is the commissioner of the America’s Finest City Softball League and a member of last year’s third place team in the Softball World Series. The two met over rodeo weekend last year and the rest is history. “I lived in San Diego for 11 years and I had never been to the rodeo, so I decided to go,” Costello recalled. “I went to Kickers on Thursday night for the beginning of the weekend to meet up with some friends from work.” Van de Mark was also there, and Costello caught his eye. “I am always at Kickers on Thursday night, and Jim was there talking with my friend Gary,” Van de Mark said of their introduction. “I walked over and said hello to Gary and smiled and said, ‘Now that I’ve used you as an excuse to come over and meet this guy, I am going to flirt with him unabashedly, so go away now.’ “Well, he was a cowboy with a broken arm,” Costello said, recalling his first impression of Van de Mark. “He was very cute, very attractive and certainly intriguing.” Van de Mark said he proceeded to “shamelessly throw himself” at Costello, who asked if he was with the rodeo. Van de Mark said yes, explaining that his arm was in a full cast from an injury at a previous rodeo. Van de Mark said he later heard Costello’s initial reaction was, “Cute, but not so bright.” “I thought he was nuts, why would you do that with a broken arm?” Costello explained, adding, “Since I have gotten to know him, I have learned he is headstrong and not going to change his mind.” The two proceeded to spend the entire rodeo weekend together, and before he knew what was going on, Costello was literally roped into helping Van de Mark prepare for one of the events he was competing in — the Wild Drag Race, in which a contestant dressed in drag must get on a bull’s back and ride it across a set line as quickly as possible. “It was a little bit of a shocker at first,” Costello admitted. “My first day out at the rodeo and I am in the men’s room helping him change into his wild drag outfit with loads of glitter. We now have a glitter-free zone at the house.” Beyond the sparkle of rodeo glitter, Van de Mark was also seeing stars…. “I would say it was love at first sight,” Van de Mark said of their first meeting. “I had experienced that before with my partner of eight years who passed away, so I believe in it. I just didn’t think I would ever have that again and I feel pretty darn lucky.” Things were a little bit different though when Van de Mark was on Costello’s turf at the softball fields. “Softball for me is a very boring sport to watch,” Van de Mark admitted. “I grew up around little league and we spent hours and hours each Saturday at ballfields in Kansas City, so I have never been able to tolerate a whole lot of it.” “He hates softball,” Costello grinned. “I do enjoy going and watching Jim play,” Van de Mark conceded. “When we went to Fort Worth, there were six of us there who were softball widows sitting there in the stands waiting for them to … well, waiting for them to be eliminated, so that we could go to dinner was our hope. But as the night went on, they kept winning and we kept clapping.” Being so heavily involved in two very active groups keeps the couple busy and on the road, oftentimes apart, because softball tournaments and rodeos often fall on the same holiday weekends. “If there’s a choice between a softball weekend and a rodeo weekend, it’s very evident that I am either not playing softball and going to the rodeo or I am going to softball on my own,” Costello said. “A few weeks ago, he had a softball tournament in Phoenix and I had a rodeo in Las Vegas,” Van de Mark explained. “In the middle of the week I said ‘I know you want me to go to your softball tournament, but you know I am a very selfish and self-centered individual and I know that’s why you love me, so I’m going to my rodeo and I want you to have a good time at softball. We will have dinner on Sunday night when we get back.’” So maybe the two don’t see eye to eye on their sports, but in the end, it’s the relationship that counts. And every once in a while they figure out a way to get both of them into the same city on the same weekend, like this fourth of July, when they will be heading to the Kansas City softball tournament. A Kansas City native, Van de Mark will get to see his family while he cheers on Costello at the fields — his dad and brother will be playing in the tournament with Costello’s team. As for rodeo functions, Van de Mark got Costello a sash that says Mr. GSGRA 2002’s Husband. Costello wore it proudly all last weekend at the Los Angeles gay rodeo. Going the distance for a soccer romance
In the case of Ouellette and Ruane, it was at a gay soccer tournament in Dallas five years ago. Ouellette was playing with the San Diego Sparks team and Ruane was with the Atlanta gay soccer team. Soccer has always been a part of Ruane’s life. He started playing when he was 10 years old and continued to play in high school and when he attended college at Emory University. He got involved with gay soccer when he was starting to come out, toward the end of his college career. “I was playing on my college team and it was a really straight environment and the coach was really homophobic, so I was looking for someplace to go,” Ruane recalled. “In one of the rags I read about Atlanta’s team and I started playing with them. That’s how I met most of the guys from San Diego’s team, playing against them year after year in the tournaments.” Ouellette, on the other hand, grew up in New Hampshire, where soccer was as big as football. He played through high school and then in intramurals in college. After moving out to San Diego for the military, Ouellette read about the Sparks in one of the local newspapers and started playing with them in ‘91. “It was total instant chemistry for me when we first met,” Ouellette said about the tournament in Dallas. “It’s a long story,” Ruane cut in. “I was really attracted to him, but he was seeing someone,” Ouellette explained. “After that kind of waned….” “We started talking on the phone and it blossomed from there,” Ruane added. Ruane ended up coming to visit and spent about 10 days in San Diego, and Ouellette returned the favor by making a trip to Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend. Things moved fast for the couple, and by the time the fourth of July rolled around, Ouellette was flying back to Atlanta so he could drive out to San Diego with Ruane, who moved in with him directly. Living together and playing together on the same sports team has its ups and downs of course, especially when your partner is also your coach when you’re on the field. “It’s kind of interesting because I am the coach,” Ouellette admits. “Sometimes I have to tell him what to do and stuff and sometimes that can be difficult because he actually knows more about soccer than I do, but he’s not the coach. It works out fine because we both understand when we are playing soccer, that it’s about soccer and afterwards it’s not.” So of course, the big question is, if Ouellette is the coach on the field, who is the boss at home? “He is the boss at home,” Ouellette said frankly. “I like to think I am, but I don’t always think so,” Ruane laughed. This fall the two will be apart for a week while Ouellette travels to Sydney for the Gay Games, but Ruane admits he is OK with not going to the tournament. “I’m not going. I have been to enough soccer tournaments in my life,” Ruane said. “I don’t do soccer tournaments anymore.” Bringing home the gold together
Both competed in the 1998 Gay Games in Amsterdam and both brought home medals in every event they entered—Stock set the all-time women’s record for 5K and 10K run and the age group record in the 1,500 meter dash. Stary has competed in almost every Gay Games, bringing home five to eight medals each time. “I’ve been going to the Gay Games since 1986, which was the second Gay Games,” Stary told the Times. “It’s the most incredible event that I’ve ever experienced—including going to the Olympic trials and being on the United States Track and Field Team. The thing I like best about it is that you are expressing something that other people are experiencing vicariously. When you do that in your own community, you get to share that expression with people who you feel that comfort level with and that sense of pride with. It was a real addition to my athletic career. “I knew when I was a little kid, when I saw women competing in track and field, that I was going to do that,” Stary continued. “It feels more like an artistic endeavor, something I’ve always enjoyed and challenged myself at…. I’ve started to develop a theory. There are a lot of aspects to how we develop as a civilization. One of them is through the arts and another is through sports, and they’re very much the same in that as an artist paints a painting, … we can have a vicarious experience from seeing what the artist produced. It’s the same thing for a spectator at an athletic event; they can vicariously experience the physical action of the athlete. That’s why people feel like they’ve slam-dunked something when they watch a basketball game, when, in fact, they probably couldn’t do that. “I’d say the height of my career was in 1980, as a senior in college going to the Olympic trials and finishing 11th,” Stary recalled. “Then in 1981, I was 10th in the nation overall and sixth at nationals — I made the U.S. team. In the Games I’ve done javelin and shot-put at all of them, the discus at a few, long jumps, high jumps and the running events through the 800 and some hurdles…. The pole vault is fun because I didn’t ever compete in it during my competitive career; I’m learning it now. So it’s kind of the whole thrill of learning a new event and celebrating each additional effort. I don’t have to compare it to when I ‘used to be good at it.’” “We just love it,” added Stock. “Athletics really became a part of my life in college. And Jenny, she’s been competing and focused on athletics since she was a kid. She’s really had an extraordinary career in athletics. It’s just great that it’s something we have in common.” As Stock has developed from a recreational to a competitive runner, she credits her partner, who has served as both her physical and mental coach. “[Jenny] taught me things about form and just got me training—so I was really lucky to improve,” said Stock. “Jenny really has an athletic career. I’ve just sort of developed from a recreational into a competitive runner. I think that’s probably a fair statement of my abilities, but I’m just so impressed with Jenny’s career. You ought to see her throw the javelin — talk about an artistic expression. It’s grace and power and skill and explosiveness. I love Jenny, so of course I don’t mind bragging about her, but she’s really an amazing athlete. I think it’s a great bonding experience for us…. It’s the only place where there’s no power struggle – and I mean that in the best way.” This year, Stock and Stary are headed to the Gay Games in Sydney, Australia. “We generally have very active vacations, much to Jenny’s dismay,” Stock laughed. “I’ve promised her a Piña Colada vacation, but it hasn’t happened yet. Since you can sign up for up to eight events and it costs the same, we’ve signed up for eight events each, but the scheduling may not work out for all of that.” They couple plans to be in Sydney for 10 days, where they have friends who have offered to show them around during any spare moments they can find. After the Games, they plan to go to the Great Barrier Reef area for some rest and relaxation—and who knows, maybe even a Piña Colada—before heading to New Zealand for two weeks. Shooting hoops together
“When we met we were both in the military,” Letendre recalled. “I was stationed in Memphis and I was going out to a local bar. We were the first two to get there and he had a military sticker on his vehicle so I said I would talk to this guy.” The two saw each other in the empty bar, but they were a little shy about approaching each other at first. “I’d never talked to anyone from the military before so I thought I might go up to him to see what he was like,” Williams added. “I kind of followed him around for a little, but he didn’t show any interest so I moved on.” Letendre eventually walked up to Williams and asked him if he would like to talk. The two started to get to know each other, until Williams saw an old friend of his that he hadn’t run into in over a year, so he excused himself. “He said, ‘I’ll be back in a few minutes’,” Letendre recalled. According to Williams, Lentendre grew impatient. “The next thing I know, he was … walking out the door and I said, ‘He’s going to leave without saying goodbye.’” “That was an hour and a half later by the way,” Letendre chided. Williams continued, “I went to the parking lot and followed him to his truck and we started talking for a little while, and the rest is pretty much history.” At the time, Letendre was officiating softball and was heavily involved in the amateur bowling leagues. Williams was playing on his Air Force Squadron’s basketball and football teams and realized they had a common interest in sports. Nine years later, and after moves with the military to Hawaii and eventually to San Diego, they got involved in the San Diego Hoops Basketball League. “I was reading the Gay and Lesbian Times and I saw an ad in there for basketball,” Williams said. “When I got here, the league had already started and it was too late for me to join, but I went anyway to see what it was like.” Letendre also attended the basketball games with him. “One night, one of the officials wasn’t able to make it, and I just started (refereeing) high school basketball at that time, so they asked me if I wanted to come in.” The following year, Williams started playing in the league while Letendre continued to officiate games for the league — which established an interesting dynamic in their relationship. “Basically I’m very emotional when I’m on the court,” Williams said. “When he is the referee in my game, I tend not to say as much.” “It’s very hard on him because players think I get favoritism, but I get it harder than they do, they just don’t see it,” Williams said of their relationship on the court. “Every little thing that I do, he notices and he calls me on it — just to make it look even, but anything that [happens] on the court, stays on the court. It does not come home.” Letendre also runs the show at home, or so he says. “I maintain everything at home. After 20 years in the military and as an official, I would have to say I go more about getting things done around the house. But if there is a major decision to be made, we will sit down and talk about it and we will compromise.” “He’ll ask for my input,” Williams countered. “But pretty much most of the time, he has made up his mind before he asks me.” Over the nine years the two have been together, through cross-country moves and being in and out of the military, sports have remained a constant for Letendre and Williams. “I think it works for our relationship,” Williams said. “It gave us both something that we enjoy that we have in common.” Love at the ‘World Series’
Mitchell attempted to rationalize Tuck’s church story. “He likes to say that because it sounds so much more—oh, how do you say it? It sounds like it’s more meant to be if we met at church….” At the ‘99 World Series, Tuck was playing for San Diego’s Boots and Company team and Mitchell was playing for Tampa’s Crew team. Despite the popular rumors they have started about themselves, they actually met at a bar. “Can you imagine us meeting at church in Kansas City?” Mitchell laughed. “What church would we have gone to? … They’d be condemning us both.” “It was my first World Series and we were out at one of the functions for softball and in one of the clubs waiting for the softball fundraising drag show to begin,” Tuck explained. Mitchell said he noticed Tuck much earlier in the night, while he was on the dance floor at one of the clubs. “I actually saw him dancing … and thought he was kind of a nice looker, but [I] left and went to a different bar,” Mitchell said. “He showed up at the other bar and he was standing about three feet from me — I turned around after a friend told me he was cruising me.” “I remember looking at him, thinking, ‘Oh he’s kind of attractive,’ and a friend of his happened to see me looking and said, ‘Hey, that guy’s checking you out,’” Tuck recalled. “But I really wasn’t checking him out…. Let the record show, I just happened to be glancing that way….” Harmless glance or not, Mitchell couldn’t resist the opportunity to introduce himself and the two struck up a conversation immediately. “After a few moments of conversation Mitchell said, ‘I’m going to go get a beer, do you want something?’” said Tuck. “I thought that was the oldest ditch line in the world… I figured he was giving me the old heave-ho.” “He just knew that everybody else says that when they want to blow someone off,” Mitchell added. “Well, I am not like everyone else.” As the two continued to talk, the conversation turned to softball. “I asked him what position he played and I thought he would say, you know, catcher or outfielder or something,” said Tuck. “He told me he was a shortstop and my heart skipped a beat…. When he asked me what position I played, I said, ‘I play as far away from the ball as possible,’ and he laughed.” The two continued to get to know each other over the course of the weeklong tournament and vowed to keep in contact after they returned to their respective homes. “Everyone framed it as a tournament romance—you know, you meet people at tournaments and don’t think anything of it,” Tuck explained. “Something struck me as different about Grady, but I had reservations because he lived 3,000 miles away. Despite Tuck’s long distance reservations, when Mitchell returned to Florida, he knew he wanted to see Tuck again. “He was the type of guy I wanted to be with,” said Mitchell, “somebody who did the sports that I do and who could keep up with me.” Through phone conversations and trips back and forth across the country, the couple got to know each other and the two became comfortable with their bi-coastal relationship. After nine months, Tuck finally asked Mitchell if he would be interested in moving to San Diego. Mitchell said he was game, and that San Diego was one of the few places he would have considered moving to at the time. “James was very helpful with everything from offering to come and get me in Florida to helping me with my finances for the time that I was out of work,” Mitchell said of his move to California. “You never know how it will work out with any proximity,” Tuck said about Mitchell’s move to San Diego. “When a person comes to live with you — I don’t care if its 3,000 miles or thee blocks — being under the same roof, … until you do it, you just don’t know if it’s going to [work out] or not.” The move went smoother than expected and before long Mitchell began running into familiar faces through the sports community. “I knew a couple of people from the ‘97 softball world series, which was held out here in San Diego,” Mitchell said. “(James) brought me out to the softball fields and I started playing with some of the guys, Steve Selman, George Biagi and Leon Reynolds, and that was kind of a little comforting to see a face or hear a name that I recognized.” The following year the two played softball together for the first time. “I had intended to retire from softball,” Tuck said. “One of [Grady’s] dreams in life was to play softball on a team with his boyfriend… so lo and behold, I had to come back for one more year, because that was something that was very important to him.” “My whole want in my life was to have a jock boyfriend, so to speak, be on the same team as me,” Mitchell explained. “I never had that in softball. It was always just me out there on the field by myself, and my other half would be in the stands or at home.” Since moving to San Diego, the couple’s roster of sports has grown to include tennis (Tuck’s sport) and bowling (one of Mitchell’s big sports). “I think sports is a very big part of our relationship because in everything we do from day to day, there is something that is sports,” Mitchell said. “I enjoy having him there side by side, doing everything with me. Not everybody has the same ability that James Tuck does. Let me tell you, I am happy to be with him, I love him.” “Sports have always been a continuum through our relationship,” Tuck agreed, “along with our love for each other, the one constant." .April 30, 2002
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Steve
Ouellette, left, and Don Ruane of the Sparks Soccer team will be
celebrating their five-year anniversary this week. During their
interview with the Times, they said they knew of many couples who met
on tournament weekends and celebrate their anniversaries then.
Mike
Letendre, right, is the commissioner of the San Diego Hoops
Basketball League and his partner of nine years, Julius Williams,
plays in the league. While sports have become a major part of the
couple’s social life, things didn’t start out that way.
