You’ve been
invited to a Super Bowl party and you’re in a bit of a
panic. The Oscars you can handle, but football? You think
that Big Ben is the latest offering from Falcon and that
Hasselbeck is the German translation of “Brokeback.” Fear
not, because for the fifth straight year we offer you “Super
Bowl for the Clueless.” You’ll thank us later.
WHAT:
Super Bowl XL, the extra-large edition, will be played
Sunday Feb. 5, with a 6:25 p.m. EST kickoff on ABC. It
features the AFC champion Pittsburgh Steelers (14-5) vs. the
NFC champion Seattle Seahawks (15-3). This is Seattle’s
first trip to the Super Bowl and Pittsburgh’s first since
the 1995 season.
WHERE:
The game will be played in Detroit, not exactly the
warm-weather venue one associates with the Super Bowl. The
last time the game was played in Detroit, in 1982, a
snowstorm on game day snarled traffic, as did a motorcade
carrying Vice President George H.W. Bush. The site of this
year’s game will be Ford Field. This is not a good time for
Ford, which plans to layoff 30,000 workers in a giant
restructuring; let’s hope Ford Field isn’t recalled before
game time.
The
high-rollers who usually flock to a Super Bowl site are not
exactly overrunning Detroit. Robert Ewaniuk of Toronto-based
Sportality, which books tours to major sporting events, has
seen a 25% drop-off in bookings since last year's game in
Jacksonville, the
Los Angeles Daily News reports.
"Detroit is a non-destination," Ewaniuk said. "A Super Bowl
is not just the game. Most people who want to go don't care
who is playing. They want to go deep-sea fishing, play golf,
go to a spa. You can do that in Miami, Arizona and Tampa
Bay. What are you going to do in Detroit?"
FASHION
NOTE:
Pittsburgh is the home team, but has chosen to wear its road
white uniforms. The Steelers appear a tad superstitious
since they reached the Super Bowl by winning three playoff
games, all on the road and all wearing white. Seattle will
wear its blue uniforms, where Seattle went 10-0 wearing them
at home but 0-2 on the road. "I love it," Seahawks
quarterback Matt Hasselbeck said.
"We're fired up about it. The linemen, they don't look good
in the white on white."
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| Shaun
Alexander |
Matt
Hasselbeck |
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| Troy
Polamalu's hair |
Ben
Roethlisberger |
HAIR CLUB
FOR MEN:
Hair, or lack of it, is one theme running through this game.
Pittsburgh is the more hirsute team, with quarterback Ben
Roethlisberger growing an unkempt beard and safety Troy
Polamalu sporting locks that look like Rapunsil.
Big Ben,
though, is not wild about the beard and will shave it off
after the Super Bowl. "I'm just disappointed I have two more
weeks of this beard to go," Roethlisberger said, jokingly,
after the Steelers made the Super Bowl. "I just decided to
do it. I think I was disappointed after a loss (at
midseason) and just didn't cut it for a few days. After
that, I just let it go."
In
contrast, Seattle’s two biggest stars sport no hair on their
heads, whether by nature or choice. Quarterback Matt
Hasselbeck is only 30, but is severely folically challenged,
so much so that a Seattle newspaper asked readers to send in
doctored photos showing Hasselbeck with hair. If the
Seahawks win, can a Rogaine endorsement be far behind?
Running back Shaun Alexander is totally bald, but it appears
more like he’s opted for the shaved-head look by choice.
THE SEATTLE
GAY ANGLE:
From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer: Monica Corsaro a
Methodist minister leading an Equality Day rally at the
capitol in Olympia,
called out to the crowd, "We are gay, we are
straight, and we are Seahawks fans!" to roars of
appreciation. (God loves the Pittsburgh Steelers too, she
noted.) No word on whether God is taking the points.
THE
PITTSBURGH GAY ANGLE:
This involves Kordell Stewart, no longer with the team. As
quarterback of the Steelers in the late ’90s and through
2002, Stewart was dogged by rumors that he was gay. The
rumors became very public and Stewart felt forced to deny
them in front of his teammates. “You'd better not leave your
girlfriends around me, because I'm out to prove a point,”
Stewart said to his teammates at one point, a rather
depressing way to prove his heterosexual bona fides.
But I was
always impressed that Steelers coach Bill Cowher stood by
Stewart at a time when the rumors were most rampant. ''What
he does in his personal life is his business,'' Cowher told
AP in 1999, ''but how he handles me and how he's been
talking to me since I've known him, the man is a man. He's a
man. ... When you lose, you allow the demons and all the
crazy things to come in, and it can cause certain things to
happen and cause a little friction in the household. But if
you're strong enough as a team and a staff, you won't let
that happen.''
 |
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| Mike Holmgren |
Bill Cowher |
THE
COACHES:
A study in contrasts pits Pittsburgh’s Cowher (Coach Jaw)
against Seattle’s Mike Holmgren (who looks like a walrus).
Cowher is one of the better-looking coaches in sports, and
has wonderfully animated facial expressions that tells you
if the Steelers are winning or losing simply by looking at
him. One opposing team fan wore what he called a Cowher Spit
Shield that got a laugh on Monday Night Football. Cowher is
0-1 in Super Bowls.
One Browns
fan (which means he hates the Steelers) at Penn State has
set up a
great website where you click on an unflattering
picture of Cowher and make it even more unflattering. It’s
loads of fun.
Holmgren is
taking his second team to the Super Bowl, having won one
Super Bowl title with the Green Bay Packers in 1996. But it
was the loss to Denver in the Super Bowl following the 1997
season that still eats at Holmgren. He recently recounted
that weeks after the loss he was watching a “Today” show
segment on depression and could easily identify. "I'm
looking at it and I'm saying, 'Yeah, no sleep. Sex life is
bad,' " Holmgren said. "All these things and I said, 'That's
me and I didn't know it.' "
THE TEAMS:
The Steelers are like Pittsburgh, tough and blue collar,
more a shot and a beer than Chablis. They pride themselves
on their stout defense and tough running game. But the
“Stillers” have changed their stripes in the playoffs,
abandoning their run-first mentality by taking to the air
early and often. This emphasis on passing allowed them to
jump to a 21-3 and 24-3 leads in their last two playoff wins
at Indianapolis and Denver. This change of philosophy is the
biggest reason Pittsburgh is going to the Super Bowl.
The
Seahawks have been one of the more obscure franchises in the
NFL. Before this season they last won a playoff game in 1984
and Seattle is fairly remote by NFL standards. They won 11
games in a row this season and Alexander scored 28
touchdowns this season to set an NFL record. They are a
solid but not spectacular team and questions remain about
how good they actually are.
 |
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| Big Ben and
Friend (From Ben's Blog) |
Grant Wistrom
at Halloween |
THE
PLAYERS:
It’s easy
to like both quarterbacks. Ben Roethlisberger has a
blog, whose highlight is a photo gallery of Big Ben
with various WWE wrestlers.
He comes
across as a down-to-earth kind of guy, about what you’d
expect from someone from Findlay, Ohio. He even took his
sister to her prom this season. Roethlisberger told HBO that
when opposing fans yell, “You suck,” he responds, “I know,”
and that generally disarms them.
The Steeler
most fans will get sick of by the time the game rolls around
is running back Jerome Bettis. This is the final season for
“The Bus,” and he grew up in Detroit, two facts irresistible
to the media. Other Steelers to watch include wide receiver
Hines Ward, Polamalu, and linebacker Joey Porter, whose
mouth is often bigger than his play. The hottest Steeler?
For my money, I’ll take defensive lineman
Aaron Smith.
Hasselbeck,
the Seahawks QB, is also pretty cool and it’s obvious his
teammates like him. The
Seattle Post-Intelligencer asked his offensive
linemen about Hasselbeck and got these gems:
From Robbie
Tobeck: "The truth be known, Matt is the biggest dork on the
team. Seriously. He's the biggest dork. He's a likable guy
still, but Matt is good at the obvious joke. There again,
it's like, 'Ha ha, everyone already thought of that.' He's
always late with the punch line. But he tries hard. He tries
really, really hard and that's kind of what makes him a
dork. And, I'm not sure if you knew this about him, but Matt
is also bald."
From Chris
Gray: "I hear he's particular about his nails. I'm not sure
if he goes so far as to get manicures, but he clear-coats
them and is into his cuticles and stuff."
Responded
Hasselbeck: "I don't paint my
nails! During the season last year, I'd put
nail-strengthener on my middle finger (on his right hand)
because I'd keep that nail long to help with spirals. I
don't have manicures, geesh!"
Other key
Seahawks are Alexander, receiver Darrell Jackson, rookie
linebacker Lofa Tatupu and defensive lineman Grant Wistrom.
Every year, Wistrom holds a Halloween fund-raiser, but we
think it’s just as excuse for Wistrom to dress up (see
picture). The hottest Seahawk? Hasselbeck’s terrific smile
and sense of humor make him a keeper. And he wouldn’t spend
a lot of time fussing with his hair.
THE
ENTERTAINMENT:
After being burned by Janet Jackson’s nipple two years ago,
the NFL is playing everything safe. The Rolling Stones will
perform at halftime and they haven’t been edgy since the
Nixon administration. The only suspense will be whether a
defibrillator will be needed on stage. Aretha Franklin and
Aaron Neville will sing the national anthem, accompanied by
Dr. John. The pregame show will feature Stevie Wonder. So
much for trying to reach the 18-29 demographic.
THE
COMMERCIALS:
Since many
of you watch a little football in between commercials, we
have a line on what some of the ads will be. The Wall Street
Journal reports that Anheuser Busch will feature one where
“two slacker guys try to escape from a grizzly bear, and Bud
Light helps save the day. … In another, Anheuser's veteran
Super Bowl pitchman, Cedric the Entertainer, walks down the
aisle to score a pack of Bud Light.”
In
addition, Career Builders monkeys will be back, along with
Pepsi, GM, Ford, Ameriquest, Burger King and Subway, among
others. ABC is charging $2.5 million for one 30-second ad.
HOMOEROTIC
FOOTBALL TERMS:
Tight end. Naked bootleg. Over the top. Line plunge. Going
all the way. Getting penetration. Slot receiver. Man in motion. Going deep.
He scores.
WORDS YOU
CAN’T PUT ON A PERSONALIZED NFL JERSEY: (There are more than 1,100): COCKCOWBOY, ASS PIRATE, BALL SACK, CROTCH
JOCKEY, CUM QUEEN, IN THE BUFF. Yes, someone at the NFL
actually compiles a list and
you can read it all here.
THE GAME:
The Vegas oddsmakers have made the Steelers a slight
four-point favorite. This seems odd since Pittsburgh was the
lowest-seeded team (six of six) in the AFC playoffs and
Seattle the top-ranked team in the NFC. Pittsburgh had to
beat the top three seeds on the road to reach the Super
Bowl, while Seattle played the teams seeded fifth and sixth
in the NFC. The perceived superior strength of the AFC is
why the Steelers are favored.
On offense,
look for the Steelers to come out passing, then switch to a
running game if they get a lead to run the clock. It’s
worked for them this postseason. Seattle has been terrific
in stopping the opponent from running, but only middling
against the pass.
Seattle has
a very dynamic offense, and it will be interesting to see
how Hasselbeck fares against the innovative defensive
schemes employed by the Steelers. Pittsburgh has very active
linebackers, who can rush the passer as well as drop back
and play pass coverage.
Both
kickers are reliable, while the X factor could be the
dangerous Antwaan Randle El (#82) for Pittsburgh on punt
returns.
PICK:
One thing leaps out at me – Seattle played 11 games against
teams that finished with a .500 record or below. In those
games, the Seahawks averaged 32 points. In the seven games
(including playoffs) they played against teams with winning
records, they averaged only 21 points. Seattle was the major
beneficiary of playing an easy schedule in an easy division
in the lesser conference. In addition, they lose the only
two road games they played against teams with winning
records (Jacksonville and Washington).
Pittsburgh, meanwhile, played nine games (including
playoffs) against teams with winning records, and beating
Cincinnati, Indianapolis and Denver on the road is very
impressive. They have also scored at least 31 points in four
of their last five games. Finally, Roethlisberger just knows
how to win. He’s 30-4 as a starter, and has never lost to an
NFC team. He won’t start now. Steelers 31, Seahawks 21.
