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Super Bowl for
the clueless
All you
need to know about the Bears vs. the Colts
By
Jim Buzinski
Your
friends say they want to watch the Bears, and your first
thought are a bunch of hairy, stocky men in leather at clubs
like the Faultline, the Alley Bar or the Eagle. But no, they
mean Bears who play football in the Super Bowl. Uh, oh, now
you’re in trouble. Fear not, because for the sixth
consecutive year we offer you “Super Bowl for the Clueless.”
You’ll thank us later.
WHAT:
Super Bowl XLI will be played Feb. 4 with a 6:25 p.m. EST
kickoff on CBS. This edition features the AFC champion
Indianapolis Colts (15-4) and the NFC champion Chicago Bears
(15-3). This is the Colts' first Super Bowl appearance since
the 1970 season and their first since moving from Baltimore
to Indianapolis in 1984. This is Chicago's second appearance
and first since 1985.
The Las
Vegas oddsmakers have made the Colts a seven-point favorite
since they play in the superior conference (the AFC).
WHERE:
The game will be played in Miami, a favorite Super Bowl spot
for players, fans and the media. Miami is a huge step up
from the last two sites, Jacksonville, Fla. and Detroit.
Miami,
with South Beach beckoning, has become the backdrop for
classic Super Bowl blunders by players in the week leading
up the game. In 1989, Cincinnati Bengals running back
Stanley Wilson was banned from the game after he overdosed
on cocaine the night before. And in 1999, Atlanta Falcons
safety Eugene Robinson was arrested the night before the
game for offering $40 to a female police officer posing as a
hooker. That same morning he was given an award by the NFL
for his "high moral character." We're waiting for the first
player to drop his pants so headline writers everywhere can
use "Moon Over Miami."
FASHION
NOTE:
The Bears are the home team and will wear their dark
jerseys. I had first written that they wore black but a
reader admonished me that they were navy blue. Even I
learned something writing this. The Colts will wear white, the best-looking
uniforms in the league – classic and simple and the players
look terrific in them.
CHICAGO GAY
ANGLE:
No, it's
not Sidetrack or Halsted Street. It has to be the name.
"Bears." On the Web, there's "Big Muscle Bears," "Am I a
Bear or Not," "Bear Forest" and thousands more.
INDIANAPOLIS GAY ANGLE:
The website Deadspin has a running gag claiming that Colts
quarterback Peyton Manning and country star Kenny Chesney
are an item. It's all a spoof that started with an item in a
British gossip sheet and featured a picture of Peyton
and Kenny on stage together and from their the snarky
innuendo flowed. Adding to the fun was that Peyton helped Kenny
write a song with lyrics that included, "Well, I've been
drawing little hearts in the morning paper Lookin' for a
house an' a couple of acres You'll be mine some time, sooner
or later and I can't wait."
THE
COACHES:
Lovie Smith
of the Bears and Tony Dungy of the Colts are making history,
becoming the first black head coaches in Super Bowl history.
It's hard to write anything snarky about either since they
are universally described as nice, decent, honest people.
Here is what Dungy said about he and Smith, a close friend:
"I know how those guys are treated in Chicago, how they play
tough, disciplined football even though there's not a lot of
profanity from the coaches, not a lot of the
win-at-all-costs atmosphere. And for two guys (Dungy and
Smith) to show you can win that way, I think that's just as
important for the country to see.''
Rats!
Decency is boring. I would rather anti-social,
sloppily-dressed boors like New England's Bill Belichick or
Dallas' Bill Parcells; they're easier to rip. By the way, "Lovie"
was Smith's given first name. He was named after a great
aunt, Lavana.
THE TEAMS:
The Colts have become the marquee team in the league (the
Colts-Patriots championship game drew the highest TV ratings
of any show since last year's Super Bowl), featuring a
superstar in Manning leading high-powered offense that plays
up-tempo, exciting football. Until this season, the Colts
were known as a great regular season team that collapsed in
the playoffs.
They
started 2006 with a 9-0 record, then lost four of their last
seven games, mainly due to a defense that couldn't stop any
team from running over them. That has all changed in the
playoffs. The same Colts defense that allowed an average of
173 yards rushing per game in the regular season has held
all three playoff opponents to less than 100 yards rushing.
"Da Bears"
are probably best known for the long-running "Saturday Night
Live" skit starring Chris Farley and George Wendt playing
the ultimate Bear fans. This season, the Bears started hot,
going 7-0 before injuries made their once impregnable
defense look a lot shakier. While Manning is a bona fide
superstar for the Colts, Bears quarterback Rex Grossman has
led most Chicago fans to cover their eyes every time he
drops back to pass. Manning threw nine interceptions this
season to Grossman's 20 (13 of them in the second half of
the season). Rex was so bad at times this season that one
Chicago sports page ran a banner headline that simply read:
GROSS MAN.
THE
PLAYERS:
It’s hard
to avoid Manning, even if you're not a football fan – his
commercials are everywhere. He's the guy who dons a fake
mustache and extols the "6-5, 230-pound quarterback" who
plays for the Colts. He's the guy in the MasterCard
commercials yelling "cut that meat" at a butcher or
complimenting the paperboy who tosses the paper through a
window. My favorite is his little-seen
commercial for DirectTV's Sunday Ticket, where he
sings and dances to the tune of Willy Wonka's "I've Got a
Golden Ticket"; it's so dorky, it's endearing. Peyton is the
ultimate momma's boy. Just hours before the championship
game against the Patriots, he still remembered to text
message his mother an anniversary greeting, an occasion his
brothers forgot.
Other Colts
to watch are receivers Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne and
Dallas Clark, kicker Adam Vinatieri and defenders Dwight
Freeney and Bob Sanders.
Chicago's
biggest star is middle linebacker Brian Urlacher, whose
claim to fame is that he once dated Paris Hilton. The rest
of the team is talented but not high-profile. The Bears'
most dangerous player is Devin Hester, who returned six
punts and kickoffs for touchdowns this season.
STORY
LINES:
Say this at a Super Bowl party to impress your friends with
your football knowledge:
"Did you
know Bears lineman Tank Johnson was arrested for carrying
six handguns without a license?"
"Tony Dungy
and Reggie Wayne have both been by tragedy the past year.
Dungy's son committed suicide in late 2005 while Wayne'
brother was killed in a car crash this season."
"Adam
Vinatieri sure is clutch. Did you know he won two Super
Bowls for the Patriots with field goals?"
"Did you
hear about the Bears fan whose wife induced labor so she
would have their child early so he could go to the NFC
Championship Game?"
HOT PLAYERS:
No matter your type, there will be plenty of eye candy this
Super Bowl:
 |
 |
 |
 |
Devin Hester
Bears return man |
Bernard
Berrian
Receiver |
Hunter
Hillenmeyer
Linebacker |
Brian Urlacher
Linebacker |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Matt Giordano
Colts defensive back |
Adam Vinatieri
Kicker |
Brian Fletcher
Tight end |
Dallas Clark
Tight end |
THE
ENTERTAINMENT:
No one ever accuses the NFL of being on the cutting edge
when it comes to entertainment, though one fondly remembers
Michael Jackson singing at the 1993 game surrounded by
dozens of prepubescent children and Janet Jackson baring her
nipple three years ago.
This year,
the NFL is stuck in the '80s with Billy Joel singing the
national anthem and Prince performing at halftime.
Chronologically, it's a step up from last year when the
Rolling Stones performed.
THE
COMMERCIALS:
Face it, a
lot of people tune in just to watch the commercials (I'm
actually one who cares about the games and doesn't care much
about the commercials). This year we will have monkeys
picking their noses (Career Builder) among the ads, which
also include Bud Light, Go Daddy.com, Doritos, FedEx,
Alka-Seltzer, Emerald Nuts, Pepsi, Chevy and Nationwide
(featuring Kevin Federline). A lot of advertisers are even
previewing their ads before the game to try and get some
buzz. Nationwide's K-Fed spot started running days before
the game and all the ads will be on YouTube minutes after
airing.
HOMOEROTIC
FOOTBALL TERMS:
Tight end. Naked bootleg. Over the top. Line plunge. Going
all the way. Getting penetration. Man in motion. Going deep.
He scores.
THE GAME:
The Colts have been made the favorites for obvious reasons –
They have played a much tougher schedule than Chicago and
had much harder playoff opponents than the Bears. The Colts'
playoff opponents had a 71% winning percentage versus the
Bears' 58%. In addition, Manning is a certain Hall of Fame
quarterback, while the Bears' Grossman could be benched
should he falter early.
Expect the
Colts offensively to try and pass the ball to exploit a
shaky Bears secondary that has given up chunks of yardage
recently. On the ground, the Colts use a tandem running
attack of Joseph Addai (a slashing-type of back) and Dominic
Rhodes (a bruiser). The Bears will rely on excellent
linebackers in Urlacher and Lance Briggs, and hope to get
enough pressure on Manning to rattle him (not easy to do).
When the
Bears have the ball they will also use two running backs,
Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson, against a Colts defense that
is susceptible to the run. While Grossman is not always
accurate, he can throw the deep ball well, which makes
receiver Bernard Berrian a threat. The Colts play a
similar-style defense as Chicago (Smith coached under Dungy
at Tampa Bay) and will use pass rushers Freeney and Robert
Mathis to zero in on Grossman.
On special
teams, the Colts have the league's worst kick coverage teams
and this could mean a big day for the Bears' Devin Hester.
Both kickers are clutch but an edge goes to Vinatieri for
more big game kicks than Robbie Gould.
PICK:
In watching the NFL this season, it is obvious that the AFC
is vastly superior to the NFC. If Chicago was in the AFC, I
think they would have been hard-pressed to even make the
playoffs. The Colts have played a slew of big games this
season (the Manning Brothers Bowl in Week 1, at Denver, at
Baltimore and two huge games with New England). They have
survived the gauntlet and I don’t think the Bears can come
close to scoring enough points to win. Manning finally wins
a Super Bowl. Colts 34, Bears 17.
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