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The best of Simms
CBS
announcer has a way with (homoerotic) words
By
Jim Buzinski
Outsports.com
 We’re
big fans of former New York Giants quarterback Phil Simms, now the
lead analyst for the NFL on CBS. We’ve heard he’s a terrific guy and
he does a great job on a broadcast. But we’ve also had fun charting
how many homoerotic references Simms has made. Mind you, we don’t
watch every minute of the games he has done (far from it), so to
find this many during the past few seasons is pretty amazing.
Here they are as we
wrote them at the time:
Having the
NFL Sunday Ticket, I seldom watch a game from start to
finish, so I don’t hear all the gems from the announcers. So
it took me six weeks to hear Phil Simms add to his list of
homoerotic comments, but it was worth the wait,
Early in the
Patriots-Cowboys game, CBS showed New England quarterback Tom
Brady give owner Robert Kraft and his wife each a pregame peck
on the cheek:
Jim Nantz:
“Right before the game, a little kiss for good luck, Brady and
his owner Robert Kraft.”
After a pause, Simms chimed in: “You do that to me before the
game.”
Quickly, Nantz said: “For good luck.”
Simms: “For good luck, there you go.”
Nantz: All right. Whatever the ritual is.” (Oct. 14,2007)
During the
AFC Championship Game Simms said this as Patriots
quarterback Tom Brady got behind center Dan Koppen:
"He just pats Koppen on the rear end, he probably yells out,
'Get ready!'" (Jan. 21, 2007)
(Hat tip to
Zembla Cementhorizon who monitored Simms' whole AFC
title game performance.)
In
talking about a season-long NFL picks contest with fellow
CBS analyst Boomer Esiason, Simms said: "Boomer's throwing
that love out to me, being nice. I don't like it. I like a
little friction." Ever hear of lube? (Dec.
31, 2006)
During a
promo for the CBS pregame show, Simms saw a picture
of a leaner Dan Marino (now doing Weight Watchers
commercials) and said, “Dan Marino’s looking trim.” Simms’
partner Jim Nantz saw a Simms photo and said, “You
are a handsome guy.” (Sept. 10, 2006)
Simms added to his list of homoerotic
comments, with two in the fourth quarter of the
Patriots-Broncos game.
When partner Jim Nantz was promoting the
Colts-Steelers telecast, Simms said, “We get to hear Dick
Enberg and Dan Dierdorf.” Nantz: “And Armen Keteyian. …”
Simms: “Big Armen, gonna be looking good on the sidelines.”
Later, the camera showed Steve Plummer, the dad of
Broncos QB Jake Plummer, both sporting beards. Said Simms:
“You see Jake Plummer’s dad. Their beards run in the family, except
the father’s is a lot neater, trim and better-looking than Jake’s”
(Jan. 14, 2006)
If
they make a sequel to “Brokeback Mountain,” I suggest
Phil Simms and Jason Witten as the leads. Witten, like the
two main characters in the movie, is a cowboy (tight end for
the Dallas Cowboys). Simms, the former Giants quarterback
who played against Cowboys, is the CBS color analyst who
started singing about Witten during Sunday’s Chiefs-Cowboys
game.
Witten, 6-5 and 261
pounds, had just caught a touchdown pass, and the camera focused on
him sans helmet, looking sweaty and hot (in both ways). This led
Simms to rhapsodize:
Simms: “What
does Bill Parcells call him? Everybody’s All-American. He’s got the
looks, the blonde hair, the blue eyes.”
Jim Nantz:
“The Farmboy.”
Simms: “You
want your daughter to marry the Farmboy, that’s right, and all that
stuff.”
What was funniest
is that Simms said, “He’s got the looks, the blonde hair, the
blue eyes” like he was singing, and Nantz cut in quickly as if
he feared what other of Witten’s body parts Simms would describe
next.
I know Simms and
Witten are both married. But that didn’t stop the Jake Gyllenhaal
and Heath Ledger characters from taking a lot of fishing trips
together, yet never catching anything.
(Dec. 11,
2005)
Simms was
calling the Pittsburgh Steelers at Green Bay Packers with
partner Jim Nantz and the camera focused on
buff ref Ed Hochuli ready to make a call wearing a
long-sleeved shirt with temperatures in the mid-40s.
Simms:
“You know, it must be cold out there today, colder than we think. Ed
Hochuli is wearing long sleeves.
Nantz:
“You seldom see that. … A lost chance to see those impressive
biceps.”
Simms: “I
hear ya. If you got ‘em, show them off.” (Nov. 6, 2005)
--It was
the perfect storm: Phil Simms calling a game in sunny
San Diego where the buff Ed Hochuli was head referee. We’ve
heard Phil wax eloquent many times about Hochuli’s, but on
Sunday Simms didn’t take the bait. There were many shots
from CBS of the Guns calling a penalty, but Simms never
commented. It was a bigger upset than the 49ers beating the
Buccaneers.
Simms was enamored,
though, by young Kansas City Chiefs defensive lineman Jared Allen.
He made several references to the player he called “Big Hoss.” And
Simms made his almost-obligatory mention of a player’s physique: “We
met [Allen] last night and he’s one impressive physical-looking
player.” (Oct. 30, 2005)
--Phil
Simms had a borderline “homoerotic comment of the week,”
but we went to replay and since it involved the CBS
announcer talking about genitalia we will count it and add
it to the list.
During halftime of
the Denver Broncos-New England Patriots game, Simms and partner Jim
Nantz were discussing the play where Pats lineman Logan Mankins was
tossed from the game after hitting Ebenezer Ekuban. They showed a
closeup of Mankins hauling off and whacking Ekuban in his family
jewels.
Nantz: “I
don’t think there’s a need to demonstrate that move at all, thanks.
Simms
(turning toward Nantz and raising his eyebrows): ”No, not on me.”
Just confirms that
Simms isn’t into rough trade.
--I also
received this from a reader:
Just wanted to
let you know I loved your column on Phil Simms homoeroticism, and I
think that I have one that is worth mentioning. I can't give a
specific date reference, but I believe it was sometime in 2000. In
reference to Randall Cunningham's arm, Simms noted, "It's long and
loose, and he can still really stick it in there." (Oct. 16, 2005)
I hadn’t
been able to listen to Simms much this season, but watched
almost the entire San Diego Chargers-New England Patriots
game on Sunday, which Simms was analyzing. He didn’t
disappoint, coming up with these two gems:
“Tom Brady,
he’s a handsome dude. He’s also fearless and likes the
action.” The “action” he was describing was Brady running a
quarterback sneak into a mass of man flesh.
“Look at Drew
Brees. I’m talking about his pants. Don’t get nervous.” Simms
said this as he was using a telestrator to draw a yellow circle
around the left butt cheek of Brees to show how clean the Charger
quarterback’s uniform was. As for the “don’t get nervous part,” use
your imagination. (Oct. 2, 2005)
Simms had
this to say about Denver offensive lineman Ben Hamilton
(in the Broncos' game at San Diego) who is 283 pounds and
has huge arms, which Simms didn’t fail to notice.
Simms: “I
could block like that if I had those arms. I’d walk on them.
… Wow!”
Partner Jim Nantz: “They look like my legs.”
Simms: “I think you’re giving your legs too much credit.”
(2004)
It was a very happy
Thanksgiving as Phil Simms gave me one more comment to add to
the list of his homoerotic remarks during NFL games.
Simms was analyzing
the Turkey Day game between the Indianapolis Colts and Detroit Lions
and CBS’ new super-slo-mo camera had a shot of Lions QB Joey
Harrington getting drilled.
Simms: “When
you look at it that way, that looks a lot more painful.”
Partner Jim Nantz: “Oh, man.”
Simms: "Well, Jim, you like a little pain. You could have
taken those shots.”
Nantz: As long as I had a helmet on.”
At game’s end,
Simms handed out his “All-Iron Award.” Nantz said the award
was so named, “Because of your fetish for ironing and pressing
clothes.” Fetish? Pain? Look for Simms in a gay.com S&M chatroom
near you. (2004)
Simms seems to have
a special thing for referee Ed Hochuli and was in top form Sunday
during the Rams-Patriots game.
The cameras focused on Hochuli, who we call “Guns” because of his
impressive biceps. Said Simms: “Ed is looking pumped today, isn’t
he? He’s gotta be the most in-shape referee in the history of the
NFL.”
After announcer Jim
Nantz said they saw Hochuli the night before carbo-loading at an
Italian restaurant, Simms said: “I’ll tell you what -- I promise you
that before he comes out to the game each week, and I mean this as a
compliment, he’s probably knocking off a couple hundred pushups in
the locker room.” (2004)
Here was Simms’
exchange with partner Jim Nantz as they discussed Pittsburgh
Steelers rookie quarterback Ben Roethlisberger:
Nantz: Dallas coach
“Bill Parcells had this statement … that he is the best-looking
rookie quarterback at the start of a season since Dan Marino.”
Simms: “We all know
Dan is a handsome man, so how could that be?”
Nantz: “I don’t
think that’s what he was talking about.” (2004)
The only homoerotic
comment during the New England-Carolina Super Bowl came from Simms
during a "Survivor" promo, when he said: "When those guys
[contestants] start taking off their clothes, I'm outta there." (2004)
Simms
made his first homoerotic comment before the first quarter ended of
the Kansas City Chiefs-San Diego Chargers game. Play-by-play man
Greg Gumbel said about referee Ed Hochuli that he was in good shape.
"He looks it, you can't deny it," Simms replied, then going on about
Ed's lack of a gut. (2003)
Simms was back in form Friday night in his first
NFL broadcast of the season. Play-by-play announcer Greg Gumbel was
discussing their experience with the blackout in Cleveland and said,
“I haven’t seen that much candlelight since I was an altar boy.”
Replied Simms: “It was kind of romantic, wasn’t it?” After a pause,
he then said, “Maybe not.” Nice try covering for yourself, Phil. (2003)
Simms was at it again during the Thanksgiving
game between Detroit and New England. Commenting about how New
England QB Tom Brady always is smiling, Simms noted the player's
rich contract, Super Bowl ring and the fact that he's "a
good-looking boy." At least Simms has good taste. (2002)
Simms commented on
how good-looking the Steeler linebackers were, noting that Steeler
defender Kimo von Oelhoffen was a “seamstress” who sewed his jersey
skin-tight and remarked at the poor quality of shoes worn by partner
Greg Gumbel. (2002)
"Lamar Smith [Miami
running back] doesn't look like much in his underwear." (2001)
During the
Broncos-Ravens game, Simms said the first question he asked Denver’s
Kevin Kasper was during an interview was, ‘‘Who does your hair? He’s
a platinum blonde!’’ Gee, Phil, just like you once were. (2001)
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