The Summer Olympics just keep getting bigger. There are 302 gold medals up for grabs in Beijing. That’s a gold medal every 47 minutes for the sixteen-day span of the games. Doesn’t sound so special when it’s put that way, does it? But is that BMX gold medal really as significant as the historic one Michael Phelps won last night? No, and there are good reasons why. Follow the jump for an in-depth analysis of the most valuable gold medals and the sports that don’t even deserve to be in the Olympics.

German fencing champion Imke Duplitzer – one of the 10 out athletes in Beijing — may have missed a gold medal yesterday in women’s individual épée, but she should get a diamond-studded platinum medal for speaking out on human rights. Gorgeous gutsy Imke is right in the middle of that firestorm in China, around the PRC’s human-rights policy. As far as I know, she is the only one of our 10 who has spoken up.

5 reasons why American Olympians rule and the rest of the world is just jealous.

- The President personally inspects the ass of every beach volleyball player to make sure it meets Constitutional standards for American athletes. I think it’s in the 34th Amendment or something.

- Complain about us, and we’ll have our sabre athletes slice your face off and take all your medals.