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Curling for Dummies 101, beer required

February 19th, 2010 · 50 Comments

Jimmy D, 23, lives in the Frozen North and is filling us in on the Canadian Olympic obsession.

One of the most mystifying Olympic events — to most Amercians anyway — is the game of curling. Curling in Canada is hockey’s lil brother. Always there, never getting the attention it seeks - but when push comes to shove — really fun to have around. It was invented by the Scots in the 16th or 17th century but we stole it. Truth be told, we stole it faster than it took us to return the haggis we stole the week before. We’ve been a world power ever since.

To say curling’s popularity is like night and day between our two nations is an understatement. Just chew on these numbers if you don’t believe me. Population of Canada: about 33 million. Registered curlers: more than 1.3 million. On the flip-side, population of the United States: More than 300 million. Admitted curlers: about 16,000, meh.

To hammer home this point home even further, all 16,000 of your curling community appear to be confined to one area of your country known as the “Curling Corridor” or “Beer Belt.” These quasi-Canadians MUST live in either Minnesota, the Dakotas (preferably North) or Wisconsin. It is law. It should also be noted, any curler attempting to leave this area and live elsewhere and continue to curl will be beaten with brooms by Homeland Security.

So it is my intent to boost curling’s image in the good ol US of A. Think of this as Curling for Dummies. If successful, I totally expect free stuff from the United States Curling Association or Curling USA. Or is it the American Contingent of Dedicated Curlers? If it’s the latter, this may explain the paltry, participation. People probably confuse The AC/DC with either an Aussie rock band or bisexuals. Which would clear up why no one can decide one way or the other if they wanna play.

I must add, the free stuff I’m pandering for CANNOT include any fashion from Norway’s curling team! Those red, white & blue, diamond-print polyester pant-like-things have reportedly caused seizures throughout BC’s lower mainland. They are currently under review by the IOC for they-must-be-on-drugs-if-they-wear-those doping violations. I personally want to protest. Here I am trying to convince people to come on over to the curling side and the Norwegians screw it all up by dressing in Jesper Parnavik’s hand-me-downs. But I digress. …

It’s all in the beer

They say curling is like chess on ice. I say, gimme a break. Where I come from, ya don’t see chess players downing copious amounts of lager while planning their next move. I think it’s comparable to shuffleboard — not the old-folks version they play on cruise ships — but the one you play in bars. Or perhaps even Bocci, for our Italian-American friends. But remember, no wine. Just beer.

Curling is played in a foursome. Now that I have your attention, I will further tell you they throw rocks or stones from a hack to a house about 150 feet away. This house is clearly marked by big, colorful rings that has a button in the middle. It is in your best interest to be closest to the button. Each of the foursome gets to throw two rocks each. Each rock must go past the hog-line to remain in play. To manipulate the path your rock takes, you either turn your wrist inward or outward when throwing. The technical curling terms are in-turns or out-turns. This makes the rock curl.

The rocks are closely monitored down the pebbled-ice by sweepers using brushes. Back in the day, they used corn brooms to do this but the constant thumpity-thumpity-thump was too annoying. So now they quietly brush their stones. The quiet brushing is the only thing quiet about curling. If you can’t yell HURRY! HARD! HUR-RY! HAAARD! at the top of your lungs, then maybe curling isn’t for you. HURRY! HARD! is a curler’s mating call.

Curling stones are way cool! For the longest time they were quarried from a granite mine off the Ayrshire coast of Scotland. Apparently, Ailsite granite is low in water absorption and high in density. They can cost damn near $1,500 a rock! I don’t really know how important any of that is but it was big news when the Scottish government closed the mine and turned it into a bird sanctuary. For Puffins, no less!

The Canadian Curling Association demanded our government declare war on Scotland. Fortunately for the Scots, our submarine was leaking and our helicopter was needed at the Grey Cup. We use our helicopter much the same you guys use the Goodyear Blimp at football games. International incident averted!

Between you and me though, I just think our DOD was just a little afraid of Puffins.

To further see the genius involved in the making of a curling stone, please view the video below. There through the sheer brilliance of the Canadian TV show “How It’s Made,” you will learn, um, how it’s made. We Canadians like to know these things. I mean you wouldn’t just stick a Q-Tip in your ear without actually knowing how it’s made, would you? This also proves we do produce our own TV shows, besides Hockey Night in Canada. So now, we’ve got HNIC, How It’s Made and of course, Little Mosque on the Prairie. Little Mosque! Mondays on CBC!

Now back to the roar of the rings. Curlers do not play in tournaments. They play in bonspiels. Curlers do not vie for trophies. They battle for Tankards. They don’t play quarters, periods or sets, they play ends. It’s not a game, it’s a round. Normally, a round can take 10 ends, but if the score gets too lopsided, the teams can just shake hands and go stack brooms. Stackin brooms is the very important ritual where the teams meet in the bar after a round and losers buy um, rounds. Very civilized!

Now, I’ve been told, it is difficult for some of you to watch hockey on the tube. You can’t follow the puck, or something. OK, I don’t get it and normally I’d have something to say on the subject, but I am currently muzzled on the topic of hockey due to mounting tensions between Canadian and Swiss governments. I trust everything will work out but until then I must remain neutral.

My point is, curling is made for TV. I even think Bob Costas will agree. Ratings from Salt Lake through Torino have been astronomical. You really get to see how curling is played. You get to see the intricate strategies involved. What it takes to make a raised take-out or a hit-and-roll. Why a come around can be hard. All the players are mic’d so you get to listen in to very private, behind-closed-door conversations like “I never shoulda drank that thirteenth beer.”

I do have a word of warning though. When tuning into woman’s curling, please have the mute button ready and Fido safely outside. The mating call of a female curler is exactly the same as the males but the pitch can make your dog’s ears bleed.

So, that is Curling 101. I trust you are enlightened and eager to give it a try. I strongly urge you to hurry hard and go to the fence surrounding the curling corridor. Once there, the password today is “Beer.” Oh hell, that’s the password everyday. What you’re gonna find are warm, friendly folks, living in communities with really clean floors. Word of warning however, once there you can never leave, unless for a bonspiel in Canada.


  • By Jimmy D
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Tags: Curling

50 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Thad in PA // Feb 19, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    Last night (or was it this morning?), women’s curling was broadcast on CNBC at 3 AM. That says a lot about its priority to USA viewers.

  • 2 most accessible olympic sport // Feb 19, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    but when you look at it, curling it the most (or only) accessilble sport that is available for most people to participate.

    Are most people going to hurdle themselves down a sled at >100km/h?
    Is anyone going to take a hit on the hockey rink?
    Can you ski on a vertical drop of almost 1 in 3?
    Have you tried skating in a figure skate with picks?

    The point is, curling is an accessible, non contact sport, that can be played by both men and women from juniors to seniors. There is not need for special equipment or clothing to be purchased (rocks are supplied). And there is artistic judging to be had. You play and have fun.

    Sounds like a great sport for most people!

  • 3 iHeartSocks // Feb 19, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    “Curling stones”?? I think you mean the cheese wheel, as Jim Rome called it?

  • 4 iHeartSocks // Feb 19, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Here’s Jim Rom talking about the cheese wheel.

    http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?comments&v=102574403107175

  • 5 FeFe // Feb 19, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    We are getting into the curling. Like a game of pool. I understand the cheeky post but I wish you had been more informative about scoring, rotation, sweeping, and even a typical town with typical rounds in Canada, if they do that.

  • 6 Joe Guckin // Feb 19, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    RE: “big, colorful rings”

    I assume this was edited by an American. It should read “big, colourful rings” instead, shouldn’t it?

  • 7 Jim Buzinski // Feb 19, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    You got me, Joe. I delete all of Jimmy’s superfluous “u’s.” ;-)

  • 8 Burch // Feb 20, 2010 at 12:37 am

    I understand most accessible olympic sport’s points, but the same could be said about bowling, if it were in the olympics. I don’t doubt the dedication of curlers, but part of what we like to see in sports are elite athletes wowing us with human feats that most of us would never be able to do. I can’t say the same about curling. But why not have a fun sport for everyone?

    Jimmy, you mention stealing haggis from the Scots. Do Canadians eat haggis too? It sounds like the most disgusting dish ever created. Said the tree-hugging, meditating vegetarian from California.

  • 9 Jimmy // Feb 20, 2010 at 2:02 am

    @FeFe ~ Sorry. I should have been more thorough, but I’m terribly lazy. In a nutshell, scoring is determined by whose rocks are closer to the button. If you have only one rock closer to button than your opponent - you score one. If you have more, you score more…Sweeping is done to control the ‘curl’ and speed of the stone. The harder/faster you sweep, the less curl you’ll get. Left alone, a rock can curl like crazy. Of course, this is all dependent on the speed/spin of initial delivery, as well as the ice conditions. As far as regularity, it’s regular - in the winter. Small towns pretty much have two things. Hockey rinks and curling clubs. If they don’t, a quick trip down the highway, will find you one. It is a super cool pastime, which many play well into their ‘golden years’ and people join ‘leagues’ similar to bowling. The order each team goes is lead, the two middle dudes, then skip (most of the time). Btw, if you score in an end, the other team gets the last rock in the next end - or the ‘hammer’. So if you ever see a team purposely blank an end, or even give up points, it is so they can retain/gain the hammer. Very important strategy sometimes…Hope this helps! :)

    @Joe ~ Thanks for lookin out 4 me, bud! ;)

    @Jim ~ Wtf! I don’t think I’ve ever been so offended in all my life! Now I have to go back to all the other stories and count my missing U’s.

    I had a teacher who would call this ‘Americanized english’ or better yet, the bastardization of the english language, perpetuated by Americans…

    There is definitely a word in there which applies here! ;)

    @Tree-Hugger ~ Yes, some Canadians eat haggis. There are crazy people in every country…

  • 10 Enigma // Feb 20, 2010 at 2:24 am

    Curling is a great sport! It may not look exciting at first, but once you start to get the hang of it you’ll pick up the little things and it makes it easier to watch.

    I also suggest trying it out. You can always head down to a local curling rink (if you have one down there in the States) and book a sheet of ice. It’s super fun and believe it or not, a great work out. Believe me - the sweeping looks easy on TV but it’s a lot harder when you actually do it.

  • 11 Patricia Nell Warren // Feb 20, 2010 at 2:28 am

    Loved your user-friendly intro to curling. (Though I’m more of a wine person myself.) Being able to see it close-up on TV has definitely gotten me interested in it.

  • 12 Jimmy // Feb 20, 2010 at 9:10 am

    @Patricia ~ not to worry, I’ve seen many a curler sneak in their own wineskin. Shhhh… :)

  • 13 Fashion Disaster // Feb 20, 2010 at 9:50 am

    BTW ….

    I like the pants …..
    I also like peanut butter and banana sandwiches, sex on the beach and the little mini chocolate bars we get at halloween :)

  • 14 Fashion Disaster // Feb 20, 2010 at 9:51 am

    oh ya …
    don’t even get me started on Johnny Queer …
    I mean Weir

  • 15 Jimmy // Feb 20, 2010 at 10:23 am

    @Fashion Disaster ~ I love peanut butter n banana sammy’s; miniature Oh Henry’s are the shit! Sex anywhere is fine by me…

    but the pants still screw with my equilibrium… :)

  • 16 Mike // Feb 20, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Jimmy, you rock dude! Your writing is excellent (missing Us aside - hardly your fault), educational and humorous without being bitchy. Great job. Outsports, give this guy a regular column!

  • 17 Luke // Feb 20, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Hilarious, hilarious!!… Amazing laughter congested paragraphs.

    Outsports don’t let this guy get away.

  • 18 John // Feb 20, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Actually, the winners by the losers drinks after a round of curling.

    And as for the American TV schedule. Yes, a women’s match was aired at 3am, but that’s because it did not involve Team USA. All Team USA matches have been aired live on either USA, MSNBC, or CNBC and the medal matches will be aired live as well.

  • 19 Jimmy // Feb 20, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    @John ~ Sorry dude, but if ya wanna attract younger folk to curlin, yer gonna hafta let us tinker with traditiion. That was the first to go. Losers buy the beer, man. That’s how we roll! :)

    @Mike n LUke ~ uu Thanks u bros. uu Yer uu makin uu me uu blush! uu I’m uu jUst uu havin uu some uu fun! uu If uu I uu coUld uu figUre oUt uu how uu to uu make uu this uu payoff uu @ school uu It’d uu be uu toly uu sweet!

    Let’s see them edit that! :)

  • 20 Bantis // Feb 20, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Jimmy, my new blogging friend. As a yankee of the Boston variety I found myself losing focus whilst reading your little article “…hockey, blah blah blah, beer, blah blah blah, Minnestota, blah blah blah, Goodyear Blimp, blah blah blah, foursomes…” I was able to discern, however, that curling and beer go together like S and M, Johnny Weir and feathers or sardonic wit and Jimmy D—-I’d say America and apple pie but the reference would be lost on you. Regardless, great article and as always very funny. I’m still laughing at your “uu” response above.
    Cheers

  • 21 Madeleine // Feb 20, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    hilarious AND informative. Kudos Jimmy!

    my thought provoking question of the day…who is that cute curler in the top photo? I’d love to play around with his rocks.

  • 22 Jimmy // Feb 21, 2010 at 9:26 am

    @Bantis ~ Thanks! I am pleased to see my article served it’s purpose and you ‘got’ the blahs. That’s exactly what I was going for…

    Boston eh? I met a guy from Boston once. His name was Dave. Do you know him? :)

    @Madeleine ~ Hey! I’m suppose to be the ‘cheeky’ one ’round here! You straight chicks are all alike…

    …I’ll try n find out but remember, he only plays in foursomes n he really likes to ’skip’! ;)

  • 23 Enigma // Feb 21, 2010 at 11:00 am

    You want a cute curler? Search for Marc Kennedy - Canada’s Second.

    Speaking of Marc Kennedy…

    I don’t know about you, but I had goosebumps watching the Men’s Curling game between Canada and Great Britain.

    In the tenth end, Marc Kennedy had to stop in the hack and enjoy the moment as the sold out crowd stood and sang “Oh Canada!”.

    It truly was an Olympic moment.

    The crowd was wild and it added yet another element to the game. I realize that curling - like golf - is a sport that requires intense concentration but an atmosphere like that could really help get more interest in the sport. Something to consider…

  • 24 mikey // Feb 21, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    dude i thought i saw u wearin those funky norway pants at the bar the other nite …. n u kept talkin bout gettin ur stones in the house n people thought u were crazy but actly u were just canadium … or one of the acdc guys from minnesota. dude great story u always make me laugh.

  • 25 Madeleine // Feb 21, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    So he likes foursomes eh? How is this supposed to deter me?

    Good call on Marc Kennedy :)

    So bitter about tonight’s game, though not at the US. We shoulda played better.

  • 26 Jimmy // Feb 21, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    @Madeleine ~ Hey! Don’t come onto this page n talk hockey! It is absolutely forbidden! Shame on U… :)

  • 27 RBearSAT // Feb 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Jimmy I was just sitting here watching the Canadians and Brits replay of Saturday night’s match and decided to read your article. ROTFL while watching. You have a knack for writing.

    On the serious side, you made sense of the sport for me. Keep it up and I hope to see more from you.

  • 28 Jimmy // Feb 22, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    @RBearSAT ~ Thanks 4 the props dude. Appreciated! Kinda concerned that I made curling make sense from that but w/e…

    I noticed Canada beat the US in CURLING today. Not heard a peep about it here. hmmm Is hockey ALL u guys think about?!? ;)

  • 29 RBearSAT // Feb 22, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Compared to curling, ummmm, yes.

    Actually what you wrote made me dig further into curling. You made the dull parts interesting. I’m glad you tightened it up with your reply to FeFe. You actually made a convert with the humor. Keep it up.

  • 30 Devylyn // Feb 27, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    just found curling on tv late last night. women’s switz and swede i believe…. found the men’s today. it is so addictive that i had to try to find out what was happening. i hunted many sites and urs was by far the best and most informative. i can now watch and enjoy. love ur humor btw…awesome job!!! also, i hold no grudge on US loss as i hadn’t found curling at that time… lol …. so congrats Canada!!!

  • 31 Jimmy // Feb 27, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    @Devylyn ~ Welcome! Crack a beer n enjoy! I’m not really sure you should be using my story as an informative source but w/e works I guess.

    Thanks for not mentioning our loss for the Gold in the women’s final. As I said elsewhere, it was a complete kick in the kittens! :(

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