Welcome back to Talkin’ Gaysball where we wish more All Stars were too sexy for their shirts. Especially if they’re made by Nike.
As part of the effort to turn one of its showcase weeks into a made for TV spectacle, MLB hosted its annual All-Star Game red carpet show outside of Texas’ Globe Life Field on Tuesday.
Holding the red carpet show in a suburb like Arlington, Texas, provided a unique backdrop as every All- Star showed off haute couture looks created by designer labels while strutting past 7-Eleven. Where I presume they were getting into the spirit by snapping into packs of Wagyu Slim Jims.
As your friendly neighborhood baseball gay, I feel like the red carpet show is kind of my dojo. (Also: for the love of god please don’t google “Ken Schultz fashion sense.”)
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So it’s time once again to turn on my “Drag Race guest judge on spec” mode as I present the highlights of the All-Star Red Carpet Show in this “Oops! All Thirst Traps!” edition of Talkin’ Gaysball…
The festivities began with Aaron Judge arriving in a Valentino blazer…
Credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports
It was a classy look for the former MVP, who apparently wanted to give off massive “English professor who writes insufferable poems about the 500-foot homer I just hit” energy.
Orioles wunderkind Gunnar Henderson was the first to get into the spirit of the Texas setting by showing off an open-collared shirt under his tan jacket…
Credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports
If there was one message we got from Henderson’s ensemble, it was, “Nice to finally play in a state that justifies this mustache.”
Guardians third baseman José Ramírez was one of the standouts. Through a translator, he explained that he chose his ensemble because “I was aware it was going to be a little hot here.” So Ramírez decided to walk the red carpet in 100 degree Texas heat wearing…
A cardigan.
It’s giving heatstroke. Seriously. It’s giving literal heatstroke.
But it looked fierce! In four years, Ramírez has gone from wearing Chief Wahoo to Louis Vuitton. With a Hall of Fame makeover like that, it’s fair to suspect that Cleveland is secretly being managed by Cher Horowitz.
Of course, the red carpet was all about celebrating bold clothing choices. Few All-Stars pulled them off better than the eventual Ted Williams MVP Award winner Jarren Duran.
Credit: Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports
That’s the first time I’ve ever looked at a ballplayer and thought “My grandmother’s couch, but make it fashion!” While most players get fitted for their ensembles, it appears Duran got upholstered.
Then there was Orioles catcher Adley Rutschman…
Fashion is all about making a statement. Through this look, Rutschman seems to be saying “But I don’t wanna be a pirate!”
Speaking of the Pirates and decades-old comedy references, starting pitching phenom Paul Skenes apparently decided to pay tribute to Steve Martin’s stand-up act…
Credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports
It was an interesting way to tip off that the next Pirates City Connect uniforms will include an arrow through the head.
In other news, Skenes is 22 years old. Which means that he has as much of a chance of getting that reference as I have of hitting his fastball.
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As is his wont, Shohei Ohtani grabbed the spotlight as soon as he hit the red carpet. Once he did, he opened up his jacket for a surprise reveal.
The blazer lining was a tribute to his dog, Decoy. Based on Ohtani’s ability to throw a baseball 100 mph and hit one 400 feet, after he plays one game of fetch, poor Decoy must sleep for a week.
But all of the headliners might have been upstaged by Nationals speedster CJ Abrams, who clearly understood the assignment by going shirtless under a lime-green blazer and alien pendant necklace.
It appears Abrams might have had a close encounter with some chest wax.
Finally, several players took advantage of the Texas setting to enter their Cowboy Carter era. Naturally, the most noticeable of them all was Bryce Harper.
Credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports
Between the hat, belt buckle, and facial hair, Harper dressed like he was bummed that baseball players can’t endorse cigarettes anymore.
To a man, the All-Stars looked stunning. In fact, there was really only one fashion faux pas that entire day. Unfortunately, if you tuned in for even one second, you noticed that it was on the field.
Credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports
Is it a bad sign when the All-Star uniforms look like MLB couldn’t afford the copyright fee to use its own logos?
On a day where player after player showed off how to work the red carpet, even the biggest stars on the planet couldn’t figure out how to make Nike look good.
