I never would have thought that Paris — home to high fashion, culture and stunning monuments — would wind up producing the most dull, boring and most meandering Olympic opening ceremony parade of nations in memory. It was so bad I was rooting for someone to jump overboard into the Seine to liven things up.
The idea of putting thousands of athletes on boats cruising the Seine seemed like a good idea, but it was a total miss. A friend texted me that all it needed was some ecoli in the sewage-plagued waterway to wash into a boat and make it even worse.
Here’s why this opening ceremony was a miss and devalued the athletes, who should have been the focus:
–Putting the athletes on boats meant we lost the up-close-and-personal views we get from them marching in the stadiums, where there are camera operators at ground level giving us great shots to supplement the coverage. As more athletes pour into the stadium, the effect grows. This is a TV show and needed to be produced like one.
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In Paris, there was shot after shot from overhead, which gave the boat parade a small feeling, like watching from a plane. As Outsports’ Ken Schultz texted: “It looks pretty in all the drone shots. But it doesn’t say much when the best way to appreciate the ceremonies is from 500 feet in the air.”
–The flag bearers, who always go first in a traditional parade of nations, were basically lumped in with everyone else on the boat, making them indistinct. Their great moment was cheapened.
–Cramming multiple nations onto one boat lost the effect of the cheers that come in a stadium when various countries are announced. Germany, with a large contingent, was lumped in with athletes from four other nations, all of who would have had their moment in a stadium when their country is called.
–The boats themselves weren’t uniform, which created a discordant effect. The Bahrain athletes were on tugboat, Bangladesh on a speedboat, but at least they got their own boats. Multiple countries were waving from what looked like barges. It’s more lively on the ferry to Provincetown.
–The rain an hour in made it even worse. Seeing athletes wearing cheap plastic ponchos was sad. They waited years to get to this moment and wound up looking like fans at a Eagles game in a November rainstorm.
–The uniforms were totally obscured by ponchos and by half an athlete’s body being invisible. Uniforms were always a talk story but not here. A huge miss.
–The effect of seeing people in a boat gets old fast. The sightlines are awful, the athletes are jammed in so tight that one one stands out.
–They never showed the rats:
–It was a shame that Pita Taufatofua, the shirtless Tonga athlete from Olympics past wasn’t there. He could have leaped into the water and tugged the boat with a rope tied around his waist, giving us some excitement.
–Spreading out the march (sail?) for 3.7 miles meant the crowd got lost because it was so spread out. As Outsports’ Cyd Zeigler messaged: “It’s like when a club is too big for a party. The party feels lame because the club isn’t full. Instead of a contained, packed stadium, it’s like an empty club.”
–The hooded guy carrying the torch past various Paris landmarks was a bit that got old fast, though it got American viewers to hear Kelly Clarkson say “incredible” a million times.
–Peyton Manning added nothing except to tell us all the top U.S. Olympians told him how ready they are. What insight! His only good line was a “spygate” reference regarding Canada’s women’s soccer coach that would irk Patriots fans.
–What we needed were fewer boats and more of the ginger hottie holding the umbrella over the IOC president:
I will leave the entertainment portion to others, but the opening march into the stadium is always the part I most look forward to and the Paris organizers ruined it.
