Welcome back to Talkin’ Gaysball where we believe that when the Reds retire number 19, they should display it on a mountie uniform.
On Wednesday night, Reds legend Joey Votto retired in one of the most Joey Votto ways possible. And now I need to find a new favorite non-Cub player.
Standing by himself outside the home of the minor league Buffalo Bisons where he had been attempting one final comeback this year, Votto uploaded a nine-second Instagram video to bring his career to a close.
“That’s it. I’m done. I am officially retired from baseball,” he proclaimed.
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The gravity of the news Votto broke was somewhat undercut by the Samuel Beckettesque surroundings of the half-full stadium parking lot and a video that cut off before the impact of what he announced could sink in. As one of baseball’s most eccentric and intriguing players of the past two decades, that’s probably how he would’ve wanted it.
MLB standard protocol for a legend’s last season is an extended retirement tour with pregame ceremonies in every visiting stadium and an endless parade of awkward gifts that no retiree in their right mind would ever use.
Votto opted out of all that pomp and circumstance. Which was a bit of a shame as I was kind of looking forward to the Padres giving him a surfboard and listening to him tell the crowd, “This is perfect for someone who winters in Toronto.”
I picked Votto as a favorite player relatively early in his career when I found out his favorite player was 1940s hitting icon Ted Williams, who also happens to be my baseball Beyonce.
And without diving too deep into advanced metrics, let’s just say that Votto’s stats page looks to my eyes like what would happen if Baseball Reference could make the Grindr match noise.
It didn’t take much longer before I became a massive Vottostan. His ultra-discerning strike zone judgement and unfathomable on-base percentage numbers were everything I loved about watching a great hitter.
There’s nothing I like more in baseball than a player turning the task of pitching to him into a chess match where getting him out is an impossibility. That sense of constant impending pitcher doom defined prime Votto and even when he massacred Cub hurlers, it was awe inspiring to behold.
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Plus Votto understood that baseball was the most fun when he got to be a showman.
The game has always seen its share of AJ Pierzinskis who make you hate them through their unrelenting jagbaggery. But Votto understood that playing the heel should be kind of joyful too.
As an example, his last great year as a hitter coincided with “Ted Lasso” becoming a pop culture phenomenon.
That July at Wrigley Field, Votto crushed six home runs in four games and after every one, he celebrated by turning his back on thousands of booing Cub fans, pointing at the name on his jersey, and yelling “ME! ME!” a la Jamie Tartt.
Even though he was beating my team, I was smitten.
All of that is to say that I didn’t need to find any further reason to cheer for Votto. Then a couple years ago I read Dale Scott’s fantastic autobiography “The Umpire Is Out” and learned that during Scott’s first Spring Training game in 2015 after coming out, “Joey Votto shook my hand and also said he was proud of me.”
It was just a brief gesture of kindness among several that Scott received that season. For me, though, it reinforced everything good about Votto that I hoped was true.
By that point in his career, Votto was already an MVP and the face of the Reds which meant he possessed the kind of currency that carried a lot of influence with his peers. When he shook Scott’s hand, it showed the rest of baseball that one of its biggest stars was on the side of acceptance and inclusion during a time of uncertainty for the umpire.
As when my icon Ryne Sandberg marched in the Chicago Pride Parade, this felt like another instance where the universe was saying, “You’ve got great taste in baseball stars.”
Votto wasn’t an activist or crusader for social justice by any means. His Hall of Fame plaque will celebrate him as a well-spoken hitting genius with an idiosyncratic streak who made baseball infinitely more entertaining in every game he played.
But he also deserves to be remembered for helping make the first active out gay umpire in MLB history feel completely welcome as his true self.
It won’t show up on his career stats. But this was one of the most important times when Votto led the league.
MLB Thirst Trap of the Week
During Wednesday night’s Cubs-Tigers game, Kerry Carpenter crushed a dagger of a three-run homer in the ninth inning to bust open Detroit’s 8-2 win and I wasn’t happy at all.
But somewhere during his trip around the bases, Carpenter’s helmet flew off and I suddenly felt…conflicted?
Credit: Patrick Gorski-USA TODAY Sports
What a way to discover my kink is humiliation — but only for the Cubs bullpen.
