When I was in ninth grade, I noticed that several of my classmates who had joined Future Frat Bros of America had taken to wearing University of South Carolina hats to school.
At first glance it seemed a bit weird given that we lived in the Chicago suburbs. Until I remembered that South Carolina’s nickname was the Gamecocks and these 13-year-old boys were sporting caps prominently featuring the word “COCKS.”
Fashion is about making a statement. And if this one was “What if you could wear the Beavis and Butthead laugh?”
On the subject of neanderthal-level discourse for pubescent males, that brings us to Pat McAfee.
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A former NFL punter, McAfee has become a star sports pundit at ESPN, making $17 million per year. Which is what happens when a major network decides to pay its on-air talent based entirely on decibel level.
Last weekend, McAfee was doing his regular spot on the panel of ESPN’s College Gameday on location in South Carolina. When it came time to pick the winner of that week’s LSU/South Carolina game, McAfee reached down and pulled out his…
Look, just watch the clip, OK?
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Holding aloft a live rooster like he was about to begin singing “Circle of Life,” McAfee spoke in all caps as he proclaimed, “WE LOVE COCKS HERE!”
The surrounding crowd cheered as if McAfee announced he was personally paying off all of their student loans.
Instantly I became unstuck in time and went back three decades to the halls of my high school, with straight dudes high fiving each other for finding vulgar caps that matched their Big Johnson t-shirts.
Only for some reason, my passing period was being broadcast across the entire country.
Encouraged, McAfee climbed atop the desk and yelled, “WE LOVE COCKS AROUND HERE! THIS IS SIR BIG SPUR! THE COCK OF THE WALK AROUND HERE!”
Get it? Because he’s talking about the rooster. Now that McAfee had spent an extra ten seconds explaining the joke that was obvious the moment he said it, he could move on to…
No, apparently, it was time to start a call and response with the crowd.
“AND IF YOU SAY, GAME…” McAfee cried.
“COCK!!!” answered the crowd, at a fever pitch normally associated with the word “hosanna.”
“GAME…”
“COCK!!!!”
“GAME…”
“COCK!!!!!”
Satisfied with the frenzy he had whipped up, McAfee completed his thought with, “YOU CAN GET ALL YOU CAN COCK FOR AROUND THIS TOWN!”
As someone who has spent literal years going down various rabbit holes on gay Pornhub, I can assure you that I’ve never heard that phrase before in my life.
Wrapping up, McAfee enthused, “IT IS AN ABSOLUTE HONOR TO BE IN COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA! THIS IS ONE OF THE ONLY TOWNS AND SCHOOLS IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION WHERE YOU CAN JUST GET AWAY WITH SAYING, ‘I’VE BEEN THE MAYOR OF COCKTOWN AROUND HERE!’”
Immediately, McAfee was hailed as a hero by sports bros across the country, with OutKick’s Zach Dean writing, “I always appreciate edgy humor. And when someone can say ‘cock’ 45 times on ESPN before most of America has their morning coffee, I’m all in. That’s funny.”
If that’s the case, I can’t wait until these guys watch literally any episode of Drag Race.
ESPN’s College GameDay’s next stop is the Georgia vs. Alabama game this weekend. We await to see McAfee’s lateset antics.
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