Photo for illustrative purposes. This is not Poppy.
Poppy is the pseudonym of a closeted pro rugby player in South Africa and the latest example of jocks who are using blogs to share what they otherwise keep private.
He calls his blog “Closet Rugby Guy. ” His reasons for blogging are pretty straightforward, he told me in an e-mail:
Firstly I wanted to talk about what it’s like being in the closet. Some of us guys are for want of a better word “stuck” in the closet. We know that we’re not gonna come out anytime soon and we’ve resigned to the fact that we’re just gonna have to hang in there till its safe to come out. I don’t think people talk about it enough. I also think a lot of people judge us especially people who are already out. Secondly I just wanted to talk to people like me – not necessarily sportsmen.
The only personal info I know about Poppy is that he is 24, lives in Durban (on South Africa’s east coast) and plays in a provincial rugby league. I have no idea what this level of rugby would translate to in the U.S.
Poppy’s writing is very introspective and he has a real longing to be romantically involved with a man (he told me has only had sex with two men). This longing shines through, even as he has made the bargain to stay closeted while still an active athlete. He wrote this in November:
It’s been close to 11 months since i had sex with a guy. Honestly its was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was a Internet hook-up and it was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. … It’s the f***ing closet that makes us do this type of shit. It puts us in a corner where you’re so desperate to just be touched by another person that you take risks that in any other circumstances would seem stupid. I can tell you that I’m never doing it again. Next time I have sex it’s gonna be when I’m out of the closet.
Poppy discusses a wide range of subjects, including steroids (he is reluctant to use them even though they might aid his career), religion (“I’m not sure I believe in the whole Christian story anymore. I’m not sure if I’m anti because it’s what I believe or because I’m just so over being gay-bashed by the church that that part of my heart has dried up”), his unrequited longings for straight friends, breaking up with a girl but not being able to tell her the real reason and his constant frustrations with being in the closet.
“There’s horny and then there’s that longing need to be touched. That insatiable desire to hold another man. A hug. A hand hold. I’m not depressed I’m just over it. Over the shit that clouds my day. Over the meaningless hetero-leaning banter between mates. Over not having a connection that’s real.”
One blog post dealt with Poppy having quickie sex with girl who hit on him. It fulfilled a physical need but left him wanting. “I don’t think I could ever be this casual with a guy. I’d want that something more. I’d wanna spoon afterwards. Spooning equals you hit the jackpot.”
He also discusses a friend, whose father killed himself, and how it resonated with him:
Sometimes I think that the only people that understand suicide are the ones that have hit rock bottom. I have. Three years ago I had a went through a rough patch. For a period of about two weeks I was severely depressed. Not under the weather. Not sad. It was rock bottom, I don’t know how to live anymore depressed. I was fairly high functioning so I don’t think anyone noticed. In my spare time I lay in bed listening to depressing music. I just kept on thinking how useless I was. How there was no point to living. All the usual shit. I hardly remember it now but on one of the days I was so down that I thought about killing myself. A whole afternoon of it.
Obviously I didn’t kill myself. I’m not really sure why. One day I just started feeling better. Then everyday it got better little by little. Of course I have my off days now and then but I think that’s pretty normal.
At Outsports, our ideal is to write about out and proud jocks, but that’s not the world we live in. This is why I think blogs like Poppy’s help shed light on how closeted jocks cope with living double lives. It’s obvious that Poppy thinks a lot about his predicament and he writes about it well. He is also aware it is ultimately his choice to stay closeted. He is an adult and for now is choosing the sport he loves over meeting a man he could love. This is a decision made by jocks worldwide, and having a blog at least gives Poppy a chance to talk about his feelings and connect with others in the same situation.
Related: I have also written about a closeted big league baseball player, and a 17-year-old closeted high school hockey player, both of whom blog.
on Dec 16th, 2009 at 4:53 PM
“At Outsports, our ideal is to write about out and proud jocks, but that’s not the world we live in.”
no it’s not, no thanks to you, Jim Buzinski, closet-case enabler. why come out and help others in your situation (like our own poor self-loathing, highly-conflicted DJ) when you can stay in the closet, continue to contribute to the hostile locker room environment that keeps you from coming out in the first place, have hot secret gay sex, play the victim to garner sympathy and then get the nod of approval and your blog pimped by OUTsports, of all places?
for reference on DJ, see here: http://outsports.com/jocktalkblog/2009/12/08/closeted-teen-hockey-players-terrific-blog/#comment-20059
ok per your suggestion Jim, I’ve had my one say, now I’ll move on….
on Dec 16th, 2009 at 5:20 PM
I would not have expected any other reaction from DB.
on Dec 16th, 2009 at 7:24 PM
I have to agree with DruggyBear. What is up with all of the closeted athlete blogs?
on Dec 16th, 2009 at 7:46 PM
I’ll get this out of the way.
It’s gotta be a fake.
(I don’t think that, but I figure I’d be the first to state that someone would put in a gazillion hours setting up a totally false persona by initiating blog, putting plenty of time over days- months- years into writing it, responding to commenters and emailers to your blog during that time and all the side issues that go with having a blog)
Seriously, do people who think these things are false think of stuff like this before they say it?
on Dec 16th, 2009 at 8:06 PM
I’d rather read about gay athletes alive and in the closet than about those who commit suicide.
Come to think of it, we probably don’t hear about most of them because the cause of suicide may be never known for sure since the guy will probably not be “typically gay” or even suspected.
Young people commit suicides far too frequently because they know they will catch hell either in or out. Blog on, hold on, or die.
on Dec 16th, 2009 at 8:15 PM
Damn, blueraider beat me to the “fake” line.
Sure, it would be much better if some closeted athletes came out and inspired others. As I always like to say, SOMEONE has to be the first. But they have the right to come out whenever they’re ready. They shouldn’t be judged harshly when there are, I’m sure, plenty of retired athletes with nothing to lose who still won’t come out, and others who want to dance around the subject and essentially live openly gay lives but refuse to say those three little words (Johnny Weir, I’m looking at you).
on Dec 16th, 2009 at 11:28 PM
The closet is a part of the LGBT experience and therefore a valid subject of inquiry on this website in my mind. Not every gay or lesbian athlete is ready to publish an article about themselves on Outsports.
As for DJ, I won’t say much because I don’t like talking about people like they aren’t around, however, if you are so in favor of “a community” why are you attacking him? Community includes everybody. If you want to create drama and link to someone’s earlier posts, I invite you to do it with any of mine next time if it gets you off. Bullying someone who you yourself claim is hurting inside makes you look like an asshole. I don’t want to believe that you are.
on Dec 16th, 2009 at 11:41 PM
what makes you think I was making fun of him? I wasn’t.
on Dec 17th, 2009 at 12:09 AM
Life is too short to be miserable. Sometimes the best thing you can do is admit you are gay and move on from there. If it includes continuing something you love (rugby, hockey, football, whatever) the better. If it doesnt, well then you move on to the next phase and design a life that suits you the best.
on Dec 17th, 2009 at 5:58 AM
just so I leave no doubt, all i was trying to do was make us all cognizant of DJ’s plight. DJ had some good points about our bickering (though I see quite a few boards on the web each day and this community is one of the most respectful of each other, if you can believe that!), but the main lesson we should take is that we all should use this site to do some good for our community, most importantly inspiring athletes who are closeted to come out!
Jim can laugh me off as a troll or an asshole (and I do have my moments) but he must be called out for his irresponsibility in publicizing these blogs and not-so-subtly encouraging these closet-cases to stay that way so we can get our kicks off their secret sex lives and locker room tales. or are we really to believe these guys are special because they are gay athletes who are um, hiding being gay? sorry but that’s not special at all, that’s the norm, a very destructive norm.
DJ is in anguish and there are many more out there just like him, stuck in hostile and homophobic locker-room atmospheres which wouldn’t be that way if the “sluggers” and “poppys” of the world came out and showed just how normal we are, that there is nothing to be ashamed of and why DJ should be proud to be gay.
on Dec 17th, 2009 at 4:16 PM
First of all, it isn’t just the locker room that is hostile and homophobic….I am not a pro athlete but I am a normal guy who “seems” heterosexual. Until recently I was married to a woman and have kids. I am not totally in the closet per se, but I do what I have to do to protect my family and my “normal” life. I couldn’t disgaree more with Druggy bear on this, and I wonder what kind of world he is living in, when he seems to aspire for others to put themselves, their families, and their teammates through hell. Hopefully, the right person will be able to be a leader in the athletic world, but it will take a very unique skill set for a major athlete to be able to do it in a major sport ( and that’s what will ultimately make the difference). Until then, these blogs are insprations and steps along the way, even to someone like me, who has his own closet to fully step out of.
on Dec 18th, 2009 at 6:30 AM
Jim the big league baseball blog was pretty suspicious. I don’t doubt the one about the high school hockey player. Heck, I just enjoy the perspective from a high school player (wish I had blogs around when I was growing up). This one I’m unsure of but not going to pass judgement. If anything, it’s got a little more character than your baseball player who seemed like a complete idiot.
The problem is that if you keep printing stuff like this you’re going to fall victim to any yoho out there that wants to pull a fast one on you. I don’t want Outsports to be the easy scam site so I just advise against the push for more “closeted gay jock blogs.” Let them find their own audience and stick to the credible sources.
on Dec 18th, 2009 at 1:45 PM
My reaction to his blog is sadness. I hope that he finds his way out of the closet. Who wants to live life with a secret lover or hurried encounters? Perhaps the stories of athletes who have come out will inspire this man. And maybe we can support him through stories of our own struggles, whether we’re athletes or not.
on Dec 18th, 2009 at 2:47 PM
“The problem is that if you keep printing stuff like this you’re going to fall victim to any yoho out there that wants to pull a fast one on you.”
I do my best to vet these as best as I can. And I found the hockey and baseball blogs on my own; they were not pushed by their authors. I also read the entries with a careful eye. Can I be fooled? Sure, but I do use my judgment when writing about them.
on Dec 18th, 2009 at 3:53 PM
Thanks Jim. I trust you do use judgement. It’s just that there’s so much of the chance for scam out there waiting to happen as we’ve been seeing on the Internet these days. I checked the blogroll of the hockey player and found some “interesting” blogs in there, some I trust and some I just can’t buy into.
I hate to say it (and this is just my opinion) but Outsports has been changing complexion lately and in a direction I’m starting to find unappealing. When I first started reading you guys I was finding a good source for LGBT sports in general. Now it’s hard to figure you guys out and where you’re going. Maybe it’s just me finding more content on the Internet and comparison shopping or maybe my tastes have changed.
Trust me, I’m not saying you’re wrong. It’s your site and your choice in direction. Heck on my personal blog I have my own choice on what content gets published. I’ve just found it seems to be more focused around what you and Cyd seem to think is relevant and why you think it is. Yes, you have contributors but there’s no real consistency of content between the pieces. Maybe that’s a good thing or just a result of the blogosphere mindset.
I know I clash a lot more with Cyd on content and opinion than you. Doesn’t bother me and in fact I sometimes like the clashes because we get all the sides of the argument out there. It’s just not the same Outsports I found several years ago.
Anyway, enough of the rant. Back to the discussion on the blog. My advice is just watch it on those blogs. I really wouldn’t want the credibility of Outsports trashed because a yoho got the better of you. Sometimes it’s best to be cautious instead of promotional.
on Dec 20th, 2009 at 9:10 AM
@RBearSAT, DruggyBear et al
I’m surprised, actually scrap that. I’m not surprised but why are you not all the first to write a post on the Welsh rugby star being OUT?
You’ve both spent a great deal being weird and OBSESSED with how EVERYONE should be OUT instead of following a life long passion but yet you’ve not said a peep on the other post?
I think your rantings are so off the chart it’s not even worth posting and I can only guess that you are really lucky you live in liberated cities were sport stars who are gay are out and truly expected but use your brains for a just a little, ickle second.
Yeah, those empathetic brains that prolly think it’s someone’s fault they feel suicidal because they’ve not gallantly come out like both of you.
Who OR which is of greatest impact?
1) A self righteous narrow minded guy who comes out in sport at college level (if that-high school?)
2) A frightened but excellent guy who comes out after reaping adulation from millions of homophobic fans after playing proffessionally?
We’re talking reach and measure here.
on Dec 20th, 2009 at 2:30 PM
My problem isn’t with the closeted hockey player, but with the abundance of closeted athlete threads about blogs. The blogs seem to carry the same elements and the same tales of woe, which does give the appearance that they are fake.
As for Gareth Thomas, rock on.
on Dec 21st, 2009 at 7:28 AM
I’ve come to believe that the blogosphere, here and elsewhere, is the particular domain of angry white guys. Whether that’s because the world is full of angry white guys, or more likely, that the anonymity of the internet offers some special appeal to a particular subset of humanity, I don’t know.
I don’t understand what need is fulfilled in people by coming to this site to criticize, implicitly or explicitly, closet gay athletes who choose not to be the gay Jackie Robinson and lead the way out of the closet. Every person is entitled to be the captain of their own life and to steer their own course. As we all remember, coming out is an agonizing experience. Those of us who have made it out remember well the moment of complete terror, and then the exhilaration of feeling the burden of the closet lifted off our backs, but we also remember, the fear, loneliness and guilt expressed in these blogs by these still closeted athletes. Except for the hypocritical gay politicians, clergy, etc. (deserving of a special place in hell) who still hide behind the closet door while blocking gay rights, no one should be outed or criticized for their own life choices. Achieving success in professional athletics takes enormous talent, dedication and work. Who’s to criticize a 17 year old hockey player who doesn’t want to roll the dice on his life-long goal? Coming out will lead to a healthier, happier, more authentic life, but they must find the way themselves.
And what about all these self-described, omniscient commentators who think there is some common blueprint to a gay life so that they can parse every word of these blogs and determine who is a faker and who’s story is genuine. What if one or more of these guys is a faker, or embellishing his life experience? So they have a laugh on us. The important story is that for thousands of athletes, these stories are the stories of their lives and that’s what needs to be told so that the many still closeted gays know they are not alone.
As for whether these stories should continue to be told in this column, absolutely! These athletes’ experiences are part of the sports story. If even one beer-sodden, loud mouth, homophobic sports fan has an epiphany reading this column and decides the next time he/she is at a game, to sit down and shut up rather than hurl the vicious insults that are too much a part of sports, then it is worth it. If even one coach or player decides to stop taunting other players, gay or straight, with homophobic insults, then they have become a better person and sports a better place.
As for the rest of you guys – Get a life.
on Dec 21st, 2009 at 7:38 AM
“Who OR which is of greatest impact?
1) A self righteous narrow minded guy who comes out in sport at college level (if that-high school?)
2) A frightened but excellent guy who comes out after reaping adulation from millions of homophobic fans after playing proffessionally?
We’re talking reach and measure here.”
which is of greatest impact to your mental health?
1) living a double life, lying to everyone, covering up your deeds and worrying about getting caught all the time, hearing homophobic taunts and laughing at them while cringing on the inside, living in shame and lies every day.
or
2) accepting who you are, knowing that your coming out will inspire others in rough situations to do the same and living openly and proudly, with NO lying or cover-ups.
keep deluding yourselves that you are doing what is best for ANYONE especially yourselves….
on Dec 25th, 2009 at 5:46 AM
The hostility and vitriol in the comments is quite surprising. If only it were all so easy, although I do appreciate the well meaning in some of the comments. I suspect some commentators are not always actively taking into account cultural differences in terms of the various countries for starters where bloggers may live, and the more or less difficulties surrounding their decisions. We all have our own paths to take and I’d rather the person was alive than dead. Peace, love, and support folks…
on Dec 25th, 2009 at 10:11 AM
@ Druggybear
But it’s there problem no?
I just don’t think its that easy but as someone who’s done the whole actvism thing and is still doing, I realise that we’re all part of the ecosystem of change.
What DOES p*ss me off, is those who NEVER come out. and if they do, they say ‘they’re just normal and not an activist’…
So who falls under that umbrella? People-gays in the entertainment.
on Dec 25th, 2009 at 5:20 PM
yes John it is their problem, and they are worse off for it. i have lived an active gay lifestyle both closeted and out, and i can tell you that when i was closeted i was filled w/ shame and self-loathing, i was even suicidal at one point. but once i got the courage to finally come out at age 26, it felt like 1000 pounds had been lifted from my shoulders, even though my very catholic mother told me i was going to die of AIDS and go to hell, and my sister stopped speaking to me. things have improved somewhat on that front in the last 8 years since, but it was still all worth it and i wish i had even done it sooner. i guarantee that 10-20 years after coming out, not one person will say “i wish i had stayed in the closet”.
Gays are the only minority that does not have the immediate support of their parents, as blacks, hispanics, etc. do. So I feel gay youths need role models and a support system to help them come out and lead healthy lives. Each person who comes out is making it easier for another, that’s why I think we should encourage everyone to do so no matter how hard it is.
Merry Xmas to all!
on Dec 25th, 2009 at 5:38 PM
when most people believe that gay men are child molesters, you put yourself at considerable risk by coming out
on Dec 26th, 2009 at 8:12 AM
“If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door.”
-Harvey Milk.
on Dec 26th, 2009 at 8:27 PM
oh come on lacharlie, it’s not like we’re catholic priests or anything! all kidding aside, the statistics don’t bear that out and that is just the type of stereotyping we will be defying by coming out in large numbers and being seen as the non-threatening average guys we are….
on Dec 27th, 2009 at 5:25 PM
Meanwhile, at the sports level, the story’s author wasn’t sure what provincial rugby was. Provincial rugby in South Africa (and New Zealand) is the last stop before international competition. For North Americans you can think of Canada’s provinces and each province has a representative team that plays another province. But then the best of the best come together to form the Canada team to play international tests such as the U.S. or Australia in some sport.
For example, if you know who Dan Carter is, he represents his province Canterbury in provincial rugby and his nation New Zealand (All Blacks) in international tests. For a lot of sports purisits, provincial rugby is the real grit because it has less hype and more rugby.
on Dec 27th, 2009 at 8:34 PM
that’s what I thought,too, druggybear,but I was wrong. and homo phobia is still persistent and widespread,and I hope things change but I can’t ask guys to selflessly jump off cliffs for the sake of brotherhood and my warm applause.
on Dec 28th, 2009 at 12:45 AM
what were u wrong about? yes there is a lot of ignorance and bigotry out there but that doesn’t mean we have to give in to it and have it keep us closeted and miserable. the best way to fight it is just to come out and be unashamedly yourself, i know it’s hard man, believe me i know. if you wanna talk about it more email me ok druggybear@gmail.com i know it helps to talk about it so hit me up if you’d like
on Nov 4th, 2010 at 4:16 PM
Hey Jim Buzinski:
Off the point here … Just wanted to say that I love you for creating and maintaining Outsports.com for a long time, it has become a haven of gay (closeted or not) athletes & fans. That … I do appreciate this very much.
Cheers,
R-